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teleahstears

A blog by teleah in General

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Happy Birthday Mom

teleah

Entry posted by teleah ·

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Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get easier but they are so much harder, i can see all the times you gaslit me and it hurts so bad, i can see how you made me your competition for your husband, i see where you hated me because i won him, won his sick perverted love. I am so torn whether to be happy you are gone or mourn i can never confront you, show you the damage taking care of you did to me, wonder if you can see my latest mark from where you are, see me weeping in the shower, trying not to vomit remembering him watching me, can you see that or has your God protected you from seeing me in constant purgatory ? A part of me wishes you have seen it and the other sick part of me wants to protect you still. So conflicted all the time how to feel, who to be now i am free with you not only on your birthday but all year long, love, hate, hurting teleah

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faithfull

Very emotional. I wish I could write something the same to my mother. We haven’t had a good relationship with her, there are many things that I want to say to her, but I keep silent always. I guess it's bad to keep silent, but I can't fight with her. She thinks she always takes care of me. All her comments about my life, and advices that I didn't ask for, always don't help me at all. She was dissatisfied about all the gifts, no matter what I bought. But the main thing about this is that she didn't hear my wishes either, for the last ten years she had just ordered me gift baskets. In general, it is a long story about our full relationship story. I tell myself that no matter what she did she will always be my mother.

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