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Happy Birthday Mom



Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get easier but they are so much harder, i can see all the times you gaslit me and it hurts so bad, i can see how you made me your competition for your husband, i see where you hated me because i won him, won his sick perverted love. I am so torn whether to be happy you are gone or mourn i can never confront you, show you the damage taking care of you did to me, wonder if you can see my latest mark from where you are, see me weeping in the shower, trying not to vomit remembering him watching me, can you see that or has your God protected you from seeing me in constant purgatory ? A part of me wishes you have seen it and the other sick part of me wants to protect you still. So conflicted all the time how to feel, who to be now i am free with you not only on your birthday but all year long, love, hate, hurting teleah


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i could have written some parts of this, we had such a similar upbringing teleah you are too special for this world i love you

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