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ranting about relationship and anxiety problems

nomadlady1

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DISCLAIMER: I do go into a little bit of detail about my intimacy with my ex boyfriend. It was always sweet, loving, non abusive, and consensual, but still, just want to give a warning!

 

Hello everyone!

So in case anyone needs to read a juicy excerpt of young adult relationship drama, look no further than this post right here!

Hmm, but in all seriousness, I was and still am super emotional about my problems with my relationship.

And I was just having anxious thoughts, not pertaining to the relationship, but to this anxiety that I am getting so tired of!!

I thought, hmm what if what is causing the anxiety is something physically wrong in my brain, and I have to get an operation?! My second thought was girrrl, go get yourself an fMRI stat!

But then, I was like, welllll, you did suffer sexual violence as a child, maybe it was only one time, but it definitely changed and altered a lot of your perceptions. Although, because nothing is impossible, the chance that there is something physically wrong with your brain is still there, but most likely, you are suffering from anxiety due to defining your worth and strength based on being molested. Which, I hypothesize, will make anyone feel, at least bad about themselves. 

But anyone else with anxiety have crazy thoughts like this? I am only having it now because I feel like I have been making a lot of progress but it has been exhausting for my mind. Maybe this is my mind retaliating, making me feel more anxious. That's not nice mind!

 

ANYWAYS, so here's the juice on my confusing, annoying, relationship:

I began to have a relationship with a guy two years ago, we actually met up on tinder, and no I was not a usual user of tinder, but I was with a friend who recommended it to me just to be silly since we had nothing to do that night, so I thought hey, why not. So i actually strike up a nice conversation with this guy, who just moved to where I live in the U.S. from a country in South America. I do not want to name said country just for privacy reasons (I know I am a little paranoid), but lets just say this country is suffering political and economic turmoil, and he moved to the U.S. to start a better life.

WELL, so we met up and hit it off super well. We decided to meet up again and go to the beach. It was nice, but in the back of my head, I felt the numbness that I always feel about myself. I was happy to be with a new person who I got along with, I mean I wasn't necessarily attracted to him in a romantic way, but I was just letting things happen. So when we get back to mine we actually kissed and he slept over (we only kissed). Now, here is where I got a little upset with myself because I remember telling myself after my ex boyfriend and I broke up that I would not move so suddenly with the next guy, I would give it time, and try to feel myself out first: do I really want to hook up this guy because that is all i want, or do I want to hold off on that so I can actually build trust toward him, and possibly develop a loving, trusting, relationship? Well, I guess I went with the previous option, because a couple days later, we hung out again, but this time, we did more than kiss. I let him go down on me, but I don't know why I did that. It was definitely consensual, and it was a really lovely experience, but then he asked me to return the favor and I immediately felt disgusted and bad about myself. I have a really bad perception of giving oral sex to a man, so it just ruined my night. However, he saw how upset I was, and sweetly took me in his arms and told me to relax, that he did not care at all, and he was just happy we could enjoy an intimate moment together. It did not make me feel better. I felt so angry with myself. Why could I not accept the fact that it was okay that I did not want to reciprocate? Like, I was not trying to be selfish, I just knew it would make me feel worthless, because that is how I perceive it, and still do (that's a whole different story though).

But yeah, he was totally cool with it, I still felt super bad that I was allowing any intimacy to happen between us at all though. I knew that that's not how I needed to start off my next relationship, because intimacy has always been a negative thing in my mind, ever since I was molested. So, for me, I did not start the relationship with a good mentality. I was always weary of him, and I always felt scared that there could be a side of him he is hiding, a perverted, overly sexual side. That is like my biggest fear in a relationship, to discover that I have been with a man who has the same traits (at least in my head they are kinda the same) as the man who took advantage of me. It sucks because looking back on it, and hearing what my friends and family have told me, this man who I apathetically treated as my boyfriend, adored and loved me so much. And I never let myself feel that love :( A couple months into the relationship we took the intimacy to the next level, and I pushed myself because I was conflicted. My mind was judging me harshly and critiquing me for not wanting to be selfish, and wanting to give more, it was making me feel like I was worthless for enjoying that aspect of intimacy with my boyfriend. Because of that, I sometimes felt hatred toward him, and always toward myself.

I never felt that feeling of security and trust that one must feel in order to have a healthy, vital relationship. 

Let's just say this is Part 1 of my relationship drama. I have endured enough drama today already with it, so I think I need a little break.

Enjoy your day/evening! 

And even through all this 'drama', I am not trying to keep myself bummed out! I am training my mind to stop dwelling on what I can not change/what needs to be accepted.

love,

pauline



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Pauline, I am so very sorry to see that you suffered abuse at such an early age and unfortunately can relate in general. I cannot even put into words that would fully justify how much this has had an effect on me and this includes intimately. So many of them far after the actual abuse. It sounds as if you may be having some of the same thoughts.

It really does mess with your self-worth. This is something I am truly trying to find peace with yet there always seems to be some sort of competition. I always have felt like I'm not really worthy of being loved and that has had quite the effect on my actions. Kind of like I have had the habit of sabotaging myself knowing that something bad is bound to happen. The issue is that sometimes, you happen to come upon someone and something good.

I think it also has a lot to do with your mind letting you know that there is still a lot of conflict within you and you're still trying to process everything. Something which tends to take quite some time. Sometimes, we tend to try blocking things out or pushing them to the side and need that outside influence to keep us aware of our need to heal. Even though these thoughts can come at the most inopportune times and make us feel even more alone.

That being said, this does not necessarily mean that you have to go through your healing all alone. I think it is great that you and this man seem to have really hit it off. The most important thing you speak of here truly is mutual consent. There is no real need to feel badly just because you did not reciprocate since there is not always the need to keep score. It is not as if you forced him into anything.

One of my biggest issues is that I happen to think way too much and it's just about impossible to shut my mind down. Still, I think that thinking can get too be a little too much at times and perhaps the more we happen to contemplate, the less things might make any sense. Please know that I am not trying to judge you at all and am only meaning to give some possible perspective. I know it is not easy wanting things to get better like yesterday and still having all these struggles today and how this can add to our anxiety.

:luck:

 

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