My past isn’t an easy one… I think you all can relate to that at some level. I spent a good deal of my childhood being physically and mentally abused by someone that is now sitting in prison as a sexual predator. Then, I was raped when I was 19 years old, only weeks into living in a town in a state that I had never been in, not knowing anyone. I was homeless, and very soon after, I found out that I was pregnant. I thought about adoption, but I just couldn’t do it to myself, because I really wanted my daughter. I mentally was not stable. Occasionally I asked for help, but for the most part I hated myself and spent a good deal of my time trying to prove that I deserved to be hated. Eventually, I became pregnant again and had a son. A few weeks before I gave both of them up, I woke up one night to find that I had done some damage in self-mutilation, and my daughter in the bathroom with all the blood and razors sitting out there in the open.
Today, I know that I did the best thing for my children, standing accountable for my actions, but hoping that my children will find me again. My daughter has, but I am still waiting for the day my son stands in front of me.
I take medication that has kept me stable for the last five years, and I can hold down a job, and have a stable home and relationship with my very soon to be husband, as well as my dog. Things aren’t easy. I’m still not capable of caring for any children, but I feel as though I am doing the right things and have made peace with myself mostly. My anxiety has eased and the nightmares had stopped for a long time.
There is an aspect of my life that still need improvement. I have become scared of the intimate parts of a relationship and often feel obligated, rather finding joy that someone wants me despite everything. When I get touched I feel as though I am losing control of myself and relinquishing it to the possibility of being hurt and attacked again. I could just do without that struggle, but I love my boyfriend, and I think he loves me. He has asked me to marry him, but sometimes I lose faith and sometimes think it isn’t worth the effort to try anymore, often giving reasons to my struggle by blaming him for his.
I was just hoping that I could connect with other people that struggle this and maybe get some encouragement.
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