So I skipped work today. Mentally, I just couldnt do it today. Mentally, I was worlds away from the work stuff. When it gets to this point, work is not an escape. It is another thing I am required to do that I just dont want to do. I give less and less to it until I break. Today was the breaking. It also was not enough.
Daily I get these images of what happened. It plays mostly as 5 second clips. I feel the touches. I see my face and theirs. I see a monster in them even though it didnt play out that way most of the time. I. Feel. Everything. I smell everything. I smell the room and them. I hear them breathing, grunting, moaning. Sometimes they were inside of me. Other times it was grinding. I guess I should be grateful that they waited until I was 8 before they actually inserted themselves in me. It is a never-ending movie. I learned it was easier not to resist or pull myself away. Not because it got worse but because they were stronger and it was pointless to fight it. I know someone saw at one point. I know they did. I remember on a few occassions someone came in at the end. They all talked at me as if I was the one in the wrong without actually saying I am in the wrong. It's like questioning what I am doing but never doing anything the next day when it happened again. How do they do these things and claim they care about oyu or love you? Do they not understand what that does to a person? It has a huge affect on them especially when they are that young. Things become so blurred and confusing. I ask this of them but the fact is I should be asking myself the same questions. I wasnt as old as they were but I blurred those lines for someone else. I caused confusion for them.
I wish I could block out that part of my life. If I blocked it out maybe I would have been somewhat a normal person. I wouldnt feel so ashamed of the person I see when I look in the mirror. I wouldnt be ashamed of the person that looks back at me from the images in my head. I wouldnt feel like dirt daily and find ways to make sure every one else sees me that way as well. I wish I had understood better what this meant as I got older. How terrible holding on to such things would damage me longer than I have actually been alive. I spend so much time being the perfect person everyone else thinks I am. The only thing I perfected is my ability to shut everyone else out. I perfected my silence. Not only am I silent about me to others but even to myself most days.
Someone told me I went about this process the wrong way. They told me that I should have taken much smaller steps and worked my way up to talking about this part of me. I wish they would have told me. They didnt hand me a book about the process to heal. No one told me that I was so emotionally stunted that I should have just learned to talk about me first. Now it is too late. I opened the door and the floodgates opened as well. Where I was able to push past the negative feelings and thoughts, now I just try to make it through daily intervals. Just make it through the next 15 mins. Just make it through the end of the work day. Just make it until everyone is asleep. It is like bargaining with my head every day. If you make it through the next 30 mins then I will give you an hour before bed. Before you know it, I have negotiated my way into an all night trigger session. Then it is just me. Everyone else is blocked out. Everything else is blocked out. I am alone in my head with my thoughts. I just feel sick. Sickened by what they did and what it has done to me.