I have an assignment from my T that I haven't started yet. We had been discussing my difficulty in really opening up and talking with my guy friend (I'll refer to him as "B"). B and I aren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend but have known each other for almost 2 years now and are good friends now. He is able to talk to me about anything and everything, and I know he really wants me to do the same. But whenever he will turn the conversation to me and ask if I have anything I want to talk about, I freeze up and my mind goes blank. I really want to be able to talk to him, but when this happens the harder I try to come up with something, the blanker my mind gets. My first T said that some of my struggle may be because silence is my coping and defense mechanism. I have made some progress, but it is still such a struggle. I had told B about my past (minus details) shortly after we met. I felt he needed to know to help him understand some of my struggles. He also knows that I am going to counseling. He has been a strong support and I know he cares about how I am doing.
Anyway, back to my assignment. My T actually gave me at least three. First off, I'd mentioned how B had asked me what my favorite color was, and how I'd told him that I don't have one. I like a lot of colors, but even then there are shades/tones that I like in each color and shades/tones that I DON'T like in each color. My T said that told her that I am a rainbow thinker, or world thinker. Things aren't just black and white to me. I see all the different sides/facets to things and it takes time to process and decided which fits best in the moment/situation. She said that I'm not being indecisive, I just need time to process. Same goes when someone will ask where I want to go eat, I can't decide and will just say "I don't know, where do you want to go?" If anyone ask me what my opinion is on something, my automatic response is "I don't know." I don't like conflict and rather than risk saying what I think or prefer, I just defer to the other person. I have shoved down my own opinions and likes and dislikes for so long in deference to others that I really don't know myself anymore.
So, assignment #1: I'm to start making a list of things that I do and do not like. When I told a close friend about this, her immediate reply was "how do you like your eggs?" Well, it depends on my mood, but I like hard boiled eggs (not soft), fried eggs I like sunny-side up (runny yolks but no runny whites), and I enjoy scrambled eggs.
Assignment #2: I'm to stop using the phrase "I don't know" when asked what my opinion or preference is. Instead I'm to say something like "Let me think about that...". Then if I still can't think of anything I can just say that I don't have a preference, etc. My mom was thrilled with this assignment. She gets so frustrated with me when she ask for my opinion and all I'll say is "I don't know." B liked this one too.
Assignment #3: When someone asks how I am doing, I'm to be more honest and not just reply with "ok" when I'm not.
So, what is my favorite color? I still don't have one. I like the blue of a bright sunny sky, the red of a ripe strawberry and the orange of the leaves on the sugar maple outside my window. I like the green of a forest, the black of the Labrador Retriever's fur, and the warm brown of a horse's coat. I like the sparkling white of freshly fallen snow, the pinks and purples of a glowing sunset and the flickering yellows and oranges of a campfire. What is my favorite color? You tell me.