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To believe that everyone cares and to find out that they really don't care is the worst way to feel. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you sit at home contemplating how your life even got to be a mess. You sit at your glass table by your laptop, attempting to spill your heart out - Although, this blog posting may only get one read or two. Reason why, because I'm that invisible girl that everyone knows me for. I'm that girl that can be easily passed by on the streets and everyone would assume she's okay when she's not. I'm that girl that has been through an incredible amount of pain and regret, yet nobody cares, or does not want to care. I'm that girl that has been banned from all support groups especially when that was the only help I had for myself. I'm that girl that can't quit assert herself and lets other take advantage of me. I'm that girl that will be used again and again and again - Nobody understands the hurt they have caused - Because it's a never ending cycle and to be completely honest is too hard. So we result to our mean ways - To be cruel. 

I'm that girl that you can manipulate and lie about just so you can please yourself and others.

I'm that girl that has been sexually assaulted three times by individuals half my age. One time, by a sixty year old man. And as he lay on top of me, the only thought in my mind was this: "Why did I leave home?" If I hadn't of left my Mom's place, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wouldn't be struggling through addictions nor would I have burned all these bridges with different organizations that now hate my guts - And I hate them too.

I'm that girl that you can mock and mock and mock and nobody would stand and do or say anything. Just for the fun of it. 

I'm like a doll. You can easily manipulate and torture me in whatever way possible. Because it's easier that way. Because this is the way our society is. 

I'm that girl that endlessly cries in hope that someone hears. However, we're in the middle of nowhere with trees and bushes and nobody can hear. Even if I scream, nobody can hear.  The closest sign of civilization is about three hours away walking distance, up at a local convenience store. But whose going to care? That's right - Nobody.

I'm also that girl that does not deserve any help whats so ever. I deserve to wallow in my tears and die because that's all I'm good at; this is my destiny.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed or something from all the hurt I've done to others in the past and even today. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve all of these horrible things happening to me. Often, I believe this may be the case. As much as I don't want to believe it, I know it's true.

I'm cursed and known to be invisible by everyone. I can't wait until the next guy abuses me... AGAIN.



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@Angelcake2546 I am so sorry for what you've been through. You don't and didn't deserve that. It's all on those fucking asses. You didn't deserve that. You deserve to live and have a life. You belong somewhere. It can take a while to find it but it will come. You deserve to be happy and live freely. I'm at a loss for words but you are not just a doll. So many safe hugs. 

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I think the worst part of the depression is the loneliness and the lost of who you once were.  If you have something terrible happen and you fall into despair you loose your support systems.  Doctors give up or prescribe an endless list of drugs.  Friends disappear families are at a loss so they say or do nothing.  Ever watched the movie Trading Places?  When everything is taken away you fail when given an opportunity to thrive.  All we need is an opportunity to heal.  The community we once had.  When you have cancer you get pink ribbons, doctors nurses experts, they don't care if you get sad or angry.  You can laugh and cry and scream and people bring you dinner take you out tell you  - you are brave.  But if you are hurt emotionally all you are is crazy.  No one stops to care!  Obviously I like so many others feel your pain.  And am searching for help.



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