I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1.
The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her great-grandkids. It makes me happy to know they got to experience her in a small way. For them to know where she came from and what is possible. For her to see her legacy.
Work is my escape when I get into it. Once I start I just keep going. I know it's not healthy but it keeps me focused on something else. It is very easy to work a 12 hour day or work late at night into the early morning. I already sleep a few hours a night so I am not missung sleep I would have gotten. My account team is in the UK and think I have lost my mind. Little do they know I probably have just a little.
I have been having my moments of flashbacks. Moments where I can only see the past. I can only feel what I felt then. Moments where even the thought of assault is a trigger. Those are the sensitive moments. The moments where I recognize my whole body movements have changed. My attitude becomes more angry. My body is reserved. I am more sensitive to maintaining my bubble. Keeping my 3ft buffer against any type of touch or getting to close.
It's hard knowing they live their lives quite comfortably. They are content and successful. They have no long-lasting trauma. No damage. It's like it never happened. Like these are normal life experiences and you just move on. But I cant just move on. I am stuck there. In that moment. I am constantly analyzing what I could have done 'better'.
It's not hard keeping this to myself. I have sheltered myself so well that I am afraid I have done it too well. So well that it is 2nd nature now. So well that I dont even know what I feel anymore. I can no longer put words to feelings. I am not sure if I am feeling anymore. Much of the time it is just numbness. There's no joy or sadness. There is just making it through a day.
Thats what has become hard. I may not have expressed the feelings but I knew what they were. I knew they existed. Now, I am not sure they exist. Putting words to a bad day or multiple days is harder. Explaining why it is a bad day is harder. Finding words to just express myself is harder. I am censoring myself constantly. Not expressing satisfaction or dissatisfaction and not certain I having an opinion towards either in many situations.
The other issue is still an issue. Not well managed either. I cant wait til colder weather is here. People dont really understand that battle. It doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it is possible to be damaged on the other end of the spectrum. They also cant acknowledge that they know something is wrong. I dont want them to but it would take away some awkwardness. I would probably never show my face to them again but at least then I can stop wondering how bad of a person they see me as.