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my story TW

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wolfennights

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(tw to myself: graphic memory details of child on child sexual abuse, don't read unless you're in a good place)
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When my brother and I were young, we used to play with Barbies and makeup. I also used to cover my entire waist with a towel when stepping out of the shower and would pretend to be a princess when playing with this one kid, Tyler. One day, we were playing a game, and Tyler made me do things that I had repressed. The only thing I could remember for the longest time was him holding me down while spitting on my face and kissing me, and him exposing himself to me. I only recovered the memories of what happened afterwards last year and have had PTSD flashbacks from those memories since.
 
A couple years later, I asked my mother if it were possible the doctors were wrong and I had been born a girl. Around that timeframe my brother also came out as gay. When he was outed to me five years later at school, I started to unlearn my parents' homophobia and began to support him, but because I couldn't remember who hurt me (bc I thought it was him for what seemed the longest time) I denied the memories I had not repressed AND my trauma bc I wanted to support him.
 
Ten years later, my brother got back in touch with the guy, I remembered who he was AND started questioning my gender. My acceptance of my trans womanhood has also meant accepting my childhood trauma, and it has been really tough over the last two years. But at the same time, the last two years has been the most like myself I have ever felt.
 
I don't talk to my family like I use to. My dad says "you don't know what it's like losing a son." Mom: "Did you even ask if I wanted a daughter? You'll never know what it's really like to be a woman!" She also blamed my brother My brother, who was slapped by my mother after he came out: "Listen, man "girl," mom sacrificed everything for you! Go on and be a radical feminist, you prick!"

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