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Missing her already

aperson

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Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shirt off her back but she gave you your choice of the ones in her closet. She taught me to sew, to bake, to make popcorn on the stove. No need for a microwave. She loved everyone she came in contact with and you couldn't help but to love her back.

Now I am sitting with her, waiting until she takes her final breath and holding my own. The nurses say she has all the tell tell signs. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her. The vibrant woman I knew is no longer there. I wonder what she is seeing. Does she see her husband or her daughter or her siblings? Can she see the heaven she has worked so hard to get in to? Can she hear me when I talk to her? When I tell her we will take care of her sons? When I tell her she now has to watch over us from her spiritual body? Does she know that I am grateful for every day I got to spend with her, even when she didn't know who I was?

My father is having a very hard time. He is the baby. Her baby boy. He is proud to be that. He can't see her this way. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of troubles and joy. She didn't get to really see him doing his best. Her dementia was already present. I will do my best to be there for him as his daughter. I am hoping I can be there for him. I may not agree with him or his methods but he is my father. I can only imagine the pain he feels is the pain I will feel when he leaves this earth.

My grandmother is the one person I believe who loves me with no strings attached. She didn't expect anything from me but love. She didn't do for me so I would do for her. She would have rather done it herself lol. I call her mama because that is what she has been in my life. I didn't always understand as a child. She baked our birthday cakes every year. They were not glamorous or fancy. They were special because she made them. 

So here I will sit for as long as I can. For as long as she needs. I will hold her hand. I will stroke her face. I will clean her mouth and be sure she is comfortable because she would do all of that for me. I only wish I had learned to appreciate her sooner so I could have told her when she could understand.




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