Its after midnight. Less than 2 hours sleep since Sunday. I am running on fumes but I have to keep trying to move forward. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep trying. I have to come up with a solution to this problem. Right now all I have is tunnel vision on the problem.
All I can seeis how big this has gotten and I dont know where to start. The obvious is to take the first step but I am terrified and anxious. My heart races at the thought. How do I even begin? My thought is to say this is all their fault. They caused this. They made me this way. My next thought is to dismiss all that and take responsibility for me letting it get this way. But neitherof those really help either.
So whats next? I know the cause. I dont know how to fix it. It's been longer than a year. I make plans. I try to prepare myself for what has to happen. I try to set a time limit. 1 hour. Is that going to be enough? It wont feel like enough. I will cry. I will rush the end because I know I am out of time. If I dont stick to the plan it will be hours. The anxiety will grow. Once its over I will rush the closing process. I will want to start over because I know it's not complete. It will never be complete. When it's over, I will crawl into bed and cry. The tears will be a release. Releasing the fear, the shame and relief of having completed it. Knowing there will need to be a next time sooner rather than lter.
But the plan always fails. The shame becomes to great and I can take the first step. I start to see how I can change the plan. How do I get the same results but less invasive? I run all the options. Then I run out of time. I think on it so much that I am too tired to do anything. I feel like a failure. Tomorrow will be a repeat of today and the cycle begins. Internally I know I am not helping anything and there isnt much anyone else can do. So I try to conceal it. All the while knowing I am not succeeding. No one will say anything but the questions will show on their face. They dont understamd it. They cant comprehend the reasons why. They have all the wrong reasons.
It is 1am. I dont think sleep will find me. Tomorrow is now today. Time to repeat the process.