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When your past wont let you be

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Thank you for everyone and anyone who reads my story. You have no idea how much peace of mind it gives me just writing my story down. I know I haven't been on here for a while so here is a little update on my life. I am getting married in 3 months!! Crazy right? I cant believe I actually found someone to put up with me. But there is something... I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be able to move on from what happened to me. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me that I put that in the past and I have come so far but she doesn't know the pain I feel when I'm alone driving I the car and all I do is think. Think of that asshole and what he did and what he took away. Everyone says that you will never be the same and you will be a better stronger person of yourself but I honestly don't feel that way. I feel worse about myself I have a man that is completely in love with me and all I seem to ever do is cry and feel lonely and miserable half the time. I blame him for what he took away from me that night. I just want to be myself again. Not a new better version just me... Idk if I will ever be that again and it terrifies me..I feel like I am holding myself back from my fiancé because I am so controlled by the past. Like I cant be 100% with him because I am so scared of being hurt. Scew any guy who has ever taken advantage of a girl!! its not fair that he gets to sit there and ruin my life and get away with it! Get to walk around like nothing happened!

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