Live in the moment...
Many of us have heard this but we can't truly understand what is meant by it, or at least I cant.
For the majority of my life I take the road that is always traveled, I play it safe. But is that living in the moment? Will I have regrets? Will I continuously be scared to take chances, to think of the what-ifs?
I'm scared. I graduated college with a degree in elementary education, and I'm scared to fulfill this dream because I have these thoughts coursing through my head. What if I have a panic attack. What if my mood swings happen on a school day and I can't be my bubbly self, what if a student or fellow teacher seeks up on me and I react the wrong way.
I'm playing it safe by working a shitty job in retail. I hate it most days. The people don't understand personal space, and I get triggered easily but at least I can escape when I need to and I don't need to be a strong leader.
This isn't the life that I want to lead though. I have dreamed and worked so hard to be a teacher. But I just keep stopping myself from living this out, because I'm so afraid of failure, I've already failed to many times.
Taking chances is a way of life and i suck at living this life. I let my panic attacks get the best of me. My self confidence was left in the past and I'm still trying to find it.
What I think is worse is the fact that I can't go to my family because all I get are lectures about how I'm not doing anything right, but they don't understand. I know it's my fault they don't understand. B honor roll student through high school, first generation college graduate, to doing absolutely nothing. In their eyes I'm a failure, how could I break their hearts more to tell them why I'm so broken, to help them understand why I'm not working my dream job. Even then would they understand? Or would they just see me as an attention seaker/excuse maker.
I just want my dreams of my 11 year old self to come true, but I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to pick up the pieces of my old life and bring it into this one. I want to so bad but I feel like I'm blocking my self from moving forward.
How can I live life if fear just keeps getting in the way?