Childhood. A word that I've learned on this site was taken away to soon for so many. Innocence that was ruined, and can never be restored.
My story isn't of any big thing, but a realization that I've had over the last couple of years.
I grew up poor. Dirt poor. An exciting month was a dollar menu burger from McDonald's. It was learning to ask for rides to make it to school from neighbors because we couldn't fill our gas tank. It was the free meal at lunch being the only one I would get. Getting hand-me-downs was my idea of new clothes. It was learning that my pet rabbit was actually what I had for supper the night before (gotta do what you gotta do, no judgement please). It was putting faith in an all knowing being who continually left me feeling even more worthless.
I've learned that it takes more than words to show love.
It takes patients to see truth.
It takes time to figure out what lobe actually means.
I was lead to believe that all of the struggles my family faced were my father's problem, but it wasnt.
Maybe that's why I've had such a screwed up view on how men are suppose to support and love.
I am not the naive person that I was. My father was a hard worker with a wife who chose not to help take care of the family. She was a stay at home mom who spent her day sitting around the house or helping others in the name of God, but left the people who really needed love and help feeling worthless. To this day she says that God tells her not to get a job, but lives off of state funding?? She can twist things into something completely different. The one true thing she has taught me is selflessness isn't truly being selfless if you're in it to get admeration, you give something of your self because it is the right thing to do, and that you take care of the ones you love and not leave it up to God to do it for you.
Life is not about money, but it is about working together as a team. It's about knowing and admitting failure. It's about celebrating success. It's about laughing and fighting when the time calls for it. Life is unpredictable and messy. Life is in my hands, not some higher being that says I have a choice but has a plan already made out? Life is about me and not a book written by man kind that has been minipulated by time.
I use to believe in God and jesus, and I didn't believe in myself. I was so unhappy being told I was never good enough. I sinned and was not a good enough Christian even though I never missed church, I volunteered, lead music groups taught Sunday school and it was never enough. I was wrong for standing up for lgbt, I was wrong for caring for all peoples. And I finally decided I will believe in me. I will believe that life is shitty and not a miraculous plan. I have the purpose to strive to love everyone, to be accepting and be a good person.
My faith is to believe that I am good enough and to strive to be the best I can be every day.
I don't believe that what has happened to me is part of some plan because that is really messed up. I'm not saying that my life was hard but with things that have happened I don't want to think someone wanted this to happen. So I decide to believe in me and that I can get through anything. I am good enough and I want to love myself. It's a long road but it's freeing to finally put pieces of my life together, to figure out who, what I believe in and who actually made an impact in my life. And to stop blaming my dad, because he is the strongest person in my life.