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What questions do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?

JustSam

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What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Did he hear me? Did he realise what he was doing? Did he care? Would he care if he knew how it would effect me?  

^I wrote this a while ago. I wasn't happy with it but I wasn't sure why. I got a bit stuck. I've just looked again and found the solvent:
I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS!
I know the truth. I know that he was fully aware that I didn't want to. Hence I know he raped me! I don't need him to confirm that, I don't need anything from him.

😊 unstuck




8 Comments


Your post hit my heart hard. I burst into tears when I read it. I'm roughly 5 month out of an abusive relationship. MONTHS of therapy (therapy started before relationship ended) and I'm still peeling back layers of abuse suffered. Yet, my heart is still holding onto a sliver of hope that he is not really the monster my brain knows he is... and he is a monster. I've also been stuck. Rather than making decisions based on what's best for me, I've steadily been worried about how everything will effect him. THIS IS ABOUT ME, NOT HIM! I have to tell myself that, repeatedly, everyday. He knew what he was doing when he raped me, he used rape as punishment. Which means he made an active decision to rape me, and shall deal with the consequences of his actions. Thank you for writing this! 

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My biggest question is why I put up with it so long. I saw so many red flags but took zero action. I loved her but really.. I was an idiot for hoping it might turn out ok :/

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@ResilientHeart I'm sorry I made you cry! Safe hugs :hug:if ok. I'm so sorry he put you through that, he does sound like a monster. 

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@limbodante you are not an idiot for putting your trust and hope in someone you loved, that is perfectly normal in a relationship. She's the one who abused your trust and used your hope against you. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you

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@limbodante 

No, you aren't an idiot for wanting things to be better than they were.  She didn't treat you right.  She hurt you. When we look at things in retrospect, it is always so many red flags because hindsight is crystal clear.  Please be good to yourself.  

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@JustSam 

Thank you for writing this.  When I first read this I thought about everything I had been through.  I knew what they did was deliberate.  It wasn't anything they accidentally did and it wasn't a bunch of child's play.   I think the thing I think about the most is what would my life had been like had I not gone through that.  I had held on to dreams of marriage and family and even after being proposed to I turned the guy down.  In retrospect, my family should have been there.  My mother should have thought for herself and not listened to her often drunken and high husband.  I wonder what I would have been like. I know what I am like now.  I see where I have grown.  I see where I still need to grow.

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@JustSam

this has hit me really hard and has me crying.  I has this all the time and I also add in to mine what did I do that was so bad. Why didn't my mother protect me from my father?  Why couldn't I find someone to help?  Too many questions in my head.  I don't understand.  Guess I will never understand it.  Ugh

Edited by Painnbroken

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