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About a month ago, I wrote a house list and everything got done, wrote a list for graduation just in case she graduated and she did, and now I feel done, I got everything I needed to get done so I can go, nothing unresolved, daughter happy, husband happy, house clean,I should be celebrating but the depression whispers, you can go now, they will be fine, you did all you could for them, you have nothing left, trying to not listen to this voice, turning the music up, but I still hear it, scared when soon the happy mask falls off, all anyone will see is the sad little girls inside me, all they will see is the broken me again, see me as not fixable as i feel right now, not sure when the mask will fall off and everyone will see the real brokenness in me, teleah

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I hope it is ok if i add to this, yesterday i got my inheritance from my mom, it was a lot and instead of celebrating possible financial freedom, I thought good my family will be fine, I can g, they will have money, security, all they need so they will not miss me, i can and will be replaced. i just can not see my usefulness like this, it took me a week to put away a load of laundry, takes me so long to do stuff, i am barely sleeping, showering is triggering,, i am trying to be ok for my daughter, my friends, my husband but am wearing that i am ok mask for them, i am stuck in the past, frozen in the present and terrified of the future, i do not know how to be ok when i am hurting like this, inpatient and outpatient gave me barely enough tools to cope. t says i am better but i still having hard time seeing the future, all i see is me gone and my family free of the burden of my darkness, the legacy of his sickness, thank you for listening to my truth. teleah

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