How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil?
This belief is what has damaged my relationships.
I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point.
And so I do.
But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert.
It's just a projection of my feelings toward myself.
And then I feel myself recoiling. Hating myself more. Not knowing what to feel or listen to. So I just let my thoughts control me. And I sit there, filled with hate and disgust.
And the cycle has begun. My hateful thoughts create hateful actions which makes me hate myself.