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How can I enjoy intimacy?



How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil?

This belief is what has damaged my relationships. 

I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point. 

And so I do.

But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert.

It's just a projection of my feelings toward myself. 

And then I feel myself recoiling. Hating myself more. Not knowing what to feel or listen to. So I just let my thoughts control me. And I sit there, filled with hate and disgust. 

And the cycle has begun. My hateful thoughts create hateful actions which makes me hate myself. 




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I struggle with this myself. There were couple of times where I thought if I just get over it I will get used to it maybe. After however I hated myself and felt angry at my partner for doing that to me. For me forcing myself made it much worse. Now I work on using a different way. I don't want to force myself anymore through something I don't enjoy so I decided to do things more slowly and build up trust. Maybe not going all the way but doing things I am comfortable with and stopping when it get too much. For this I need a partner I can trust which I don't have at the moment so this is something I might try in the future.

I found a really good book about this subject called 'the sexual healing journey' from wendy maltz. I didn't finish it yet but I really benefited from it thus far. In the book she also shows some easy exercises to do with your partner. She also has some videos about how to approach sex with your partner in a healthy way. You can find them on youtube.

Don't know if any of that is helpful for you. I just felt sharing my experiences with you. You are not alone. :hug: 

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thank you so much i will definitely check that book out :) 

I think a lot of it has to do with me being disconnected from myself, so I will just go with things, like having sex with my boyfriend, even though I know it will end up making me feel bad. I need to put trust in myself-to know when something I do will affect me in a positive or negative way. 

I treat  sex like it is a hollow, meaningless action which makes me feel in control of my relationships. So, when I do it and realize I don't feel anymore in control of my relationship, I am disappointed and feel like shit. 

I feel like I just let someone take over me, and what's worse is I let them. 

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I can definitely relate to being disconnected and wanting get some control. When my partner wants to get intimate I feel like I just have to do it. It's part of the relationship deal so it's expected from me to keep the relationship going. I just want someone to love me and care for me and I feel I have to give them sex in order to get that. Sometimes it feels like someone want to use me and my body just to get pleasure. I get that my partner has needs and sex is one of them and I also want to fulfill that so I think if I just get over with it maybe it won't be this bad. After the sex I feel so used and hate myself for it. I also start feeling this anger and disappointment against my partner, because why would she do something like that to me just to get some pleasure out of it. It's such a horrible feeling. I understand that sex is all about expressing love and giving rather than taking but I just cannot feel that when being intimate. 

I am currently single so I don't have to worry about this. However the thought of being intimate really scares me away from looking for someone new. I just don't know how to handle this.

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