do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died.
rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i was smart. but getting a B or C, . i believed in my birth mother, epic fail. i believed i could tell her anything like she said and/or she would listen, epic fail. i believed she would be there for me like she said, epic fail. i believed so many things she said and did, i became charlie brown trying to kick the football from lucy and every single time watching as the football is snatched away and i fall flat. the worst of it is the lost of belief in self. i cannot for the life of me believe i am beautiful. i can say the words, maybe even find something i like about myself. but, i dont look in the mirror, see myself and believe i am. im grateful when i am told by non-creepy people. it helps with self-confidence to some extent. but, i dont see what they see.
overall i get the feeling the abuse has totally ruined my belief in self. the lack of reassurance from one of the most influential figures in a young womans life, a mother, does not set oneself up for success in belief in self. the need for validation is sometimes sought externally instead of KNOWING internally. i wonder do i not believe because it would help me to be less attractive to others. kind of like hiding in plain site. and how does someone believe? ive heard "just say youre beautiful over and over and it will be true". im sorry but wtf. i get it but i dont get it. for example, i can say im smart, i know i am smart because ive seen outcomes not just from exams but finished projects etc. this helps me believe a little bit. but here is the limitation, if its not perfect, i dont believe no matter how many times i say it. so, how does it work?
whats even more weird is i believe in others i care about more than myself. i wish, hope, and believe they will have better. are my expectations for myself too low? is this what is preventing me from seeing the beauty that which is Sheena? hell if i know. i DO know currently i believe i will wake up and after little sleep as usual. i believe i will walk through my day with flashbacks on what happened to me all day as usual. do i want to change those, absolutely. every night before i lay my head down, i ask for a peaceful night. one where i dont wake up almost every hour. so far over 20 years and no luck. do i need to stop believing and become more realistic? i dont know. i want to get to that place where i can walk down the street knowing i am the shit because i am beautiful, smart, talented, and just down right awesome. is it attainable, i think so. belief is hard yet i still want to keep trying.