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My story

A blog by AnneRuth in General

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My Story (Trigger Warning)

AnneRuth

Entry posted by AnneRuth ·

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I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this who know's me because it makes me feel embarrassed, weak like I am being judged and nobody I know has gone through the same thing. So they really cannot understand anything, I just find it is pointless. Hopefully, I can talk and hear about other people's stories and finally find some peace. 

I am 18, I am with the first boyfriend of 9 months. I had never gotten much positive attention from guys about my personality, they only wanted sex which I would never give for I have made the decision to wait until marriage. Around a year ago my sister had an older man over, she had called me up into her room. When I walked in he had his penis out. My sister not soon after me entering she left the room. I thought it was disgusting and told him to put it away. He then grabbed me and pushed my head towards his penis, he was hurting me. I tried to pull away when he then told me he would let go if I licked it. I refused and was so scared. He kept pushing my head towards it, pulling my hair. I finally agreed to lick it, when I did he got mad at me saying I didn't lick it. He then let me go then grabbed me and flipped me onto the bed where he then got on top of me. I tried to scream but he had his hand around my throat. I was so scared, I thought in that moment that he was going to kill me. He then proceeded to rape me. I can remember everything. I was screaming so loud but nobody heard me. He kept choking me until my lungs hurt so bad and I passed out. When I woke up my neck was bruised and he was gone. I can't remember his name, or what eh looked like. I moved 8 hours away that September and am terrified to go back to that city in case I might come face to face with him again. My boyfriend does not know the story as every time I tell him a little more I see how much it kills him. I decided after this happened to never tell another soul, but I have been having a really hard time lately, just feeling really depressed. I thought that finding somewhere that I can talk to people about this, and finally get it off my chest it would really help. I am kind of nervous. For I know I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should have never been there and should have gone to the police after this happened. But I didn't even know the guy's name and who would believe me. It's embarrassing, to say the least. I just hope some people can help me and talk me through this. For I can say that I am a survivor and this will NEVER ruin my life and the way I view my beauty.

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jenay

you should never allow anything like this shame you for it happening to you ..was not your fault that this horrid thing happened and yes do go to the police and tell them what you remember,it might help them to strop him before he does it again i am a survivor myself of rape too and i felt for the longest time i was at fault for it happening to me too 

 

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Mishmash

I'm so sorry for what happened to you AnneRuth and you are very brave reaching out here. You are not responsible just because you were there and what followed was not your fault at all. The blame lies solely with the perpetrator. I don't know what the situation was with your sister but I can imagine that makes things more complicated for you regarding family. Don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. What you did was survive a horribly violet sexual assault the best way you could. It sounds like you know that. Whatever you decide to do now or in the future will be supported in here. I hope you can find at least one person out there that you can feel safe sharing your story with too and receive some support. For now, keep sharing here if it helps as little or as much as you need to. Safe hugs:hug:

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goldraindrops

I'm so sorry.  I have a similar story.  Remember one thing:  don't get frustrated with yourself if it takes a lot of time to get over this.  My attack happened a little over eight years ago, and I have found the pain comes in waves.  I'll be fine for a while, then it will bubble up again (or memories surface), and I have to deal with it.  Take it a little at a time and reach out to people you trust to help you. 

And yes, I have fought the feeling of guilt for years, even though I know logically that I couldn't have fought him off.  

This is a great site - full of supportive people.  

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