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A mystery solved now what to do with the answer

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Since I first started this journey through my abuse, a question haunted me, until last weekend when after I was intimate with my husband, I was sitting on the bed fighting tears as I have done for a long time thinking of the question that never had an answer, how did he groom me, what did i get out of it, then i heard his voice, say that's my good girl and heard him moan and it hit me, finally the answer, he gave me pride he made me feel proud of pleasing him, being his good girl while my mom called me retard and pointed out i would never live up to my potential because i was a mistake from God, the way he got me to please him was to give me worth in a world where my mom did not even see me as worthwhile, that is how i saw it, how little me saw it, so I know now. now what ? My heart is broken, knowing little me had to do such vile things just to feel she had worth in her small world, teleah


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Tonight it hit me that the night before graduation, I wanted pride too but this time I wanted him to be proud of me because I had my first job, I was passing classes without special ed for the first time in my life and I took him out to eat, I paid so he would be proud of me, I dressed up in an actual dress so he would proud of me and he still took me back to the hotel and made me show him i could finally swim and then he raped me, which for the first time I was present for because I was in shock, the only thing he could be proud for me was I pleasured him, because at 17, I was still his good girl, i feel sick to my stomach and my heart hurts to breathe, I wish he would get out my head and most importantly my heart, teleah

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we know what these "fathers" are and we know we are still pure and good, that they are the bad ones, they just lie so so so bad 

i love you friend ALL THE HUGS

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