I've taken a break from writing for a while. I've been uncertain how to continue without breaking my golden rule: Anonymity. When I first joined After Silence I was so afraid to speak about myself that I picked a name which conveyed nothing about myself "00000000". Actually it conveyed two things... It conveyed the fact I like computers and it conveyed they way I thought of myself... "null", "nothing", "zero".
Over the past few months my experiences have been so unique that I haven't dared talk about them for fear of being recognised. Other events from the past few months have been spoken about in previous posts but today I wanted to talk a little about J. She came into my life so unexpectedly. She has become an integral part of my life so quickly that I find it hard to imagine life without her. But anonymity must be kept so I apologise for the following censorship.
We met at a wedding in
[country]. Actually we completely missed meeting each other at the wedding and met the day after as the only two who were still there but had no plans. She had the idea of going in search of the [unlikely fantasy object] and after a search on google we rented a car and drove half way across the country. We found it and there were few of us there; only curious people who'd also been surprised to find such an unlikely object in the middle of an otherwise dull country. She got tired and didn't want to drive at night so I drove her home and slept on her sofa. The morning after we had breakfast and I saw her off at the airport. Her travel plans took her to [my home country] after that so we met up again. There things became intimate. To put it bluntly we had sex. Alright she had to ask me eight times "what do you want?" before I could be honest and ask to spend the night with her. You see this was the first time in years. As it turned out it was the first time ever that I didn't trigger. It was just natural
Having since met up with her in
[country] and then her home in [country] our romance has now covered four countries and three continents. Each time we meet sex has become easier. I'm discovering that she has a seriously naughty side. That's something of a relief because it it was left to me to make the bedroom interesting I would definitely trigger.
And here's the thing I just can't get over. I'm calm around her. Calm in a way I've not felt about love since I was abused. She makes me laugh and I make her laugh. It just seems to happen for no reason. We look at each other, tell each other off for being childish and then immediately both pull silly faces. She understands what it is to have been hurt and can comfort me when I'm down. But her experiences are different from mine so that when she goes down I can comfort her and not get dragged into my own flashbacks.
We talk on the phone every day and have not missed a day since we first met. These things don't come easily for me. I was single for eight years and the relationships I had before that only triggered me more. It is a constant battle to keep my old self out, to keep the abuse from C well away from this relationship. But so far, so goo. And at last I feel happy in a relationship.