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What is love?

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Kkhateera

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I have really enjoyed some of the blogs out there! How long should a blog entry be anyway? How do you write an excellent one? What does everyone want to read? I guess I'll just write until I find a style I enjoy. I've never really been into blogs, but now it's like I can't get enough! It's like reading some one's journal entries! It's incredibly personal, but in many ways totally relate-able.

Well, I got caught in the YouTube loop today - but first, BF and I are thinking about moving to Maine in the future, so I was doing research on that (Mostly on the winters there because he really is a summer boy), as well as which other states would be a good fit for us. Well, I was also curious about what state would be the best fit for me. This is important because if I don't know what I want I have the potential for being unhappy where we move. Maybe it's because I have a Malamute, but apparently I'm a good fit for Alaska! haha! I personally would love to live in Alaska, but I think my man would just die! He'd do it for me, but I'm not gonna make him do that!

 -ANYWAY-

I watched a YouTube video by Linda Barsi on what it's like living there (Alaska), but I also watched another video about her journey to anti-depressants which I found very helpful....and emotional. In that same video she referenced Ana Akana (?) who also had lots to say on depression and I watched HOURS of her videos....literally hours. Usually I get stuck watching other things like the vlog brother's sci show or the slow-mo guys but I was practically glued to the screen because everything she was saying about HER depression resonated with ME. Well, it just so happens she's also in a TV show called single by 30, which I HAD to check out (thus is the YouTube loop). So, one thing led to another  and Om-goodness that show is adorable! It may be a chick show but it makes me think a lot of BF and I. It's two people in their 30's who had made a pact in high school that they would get married (as backup) if they were still single when 30 yrs old. We didn't make that promise, but he has always been my back up; meaning he's always been there for me and I him. We just know each other so well and I love it so much! If ever anything went terribly wrong or was worth celebrating he was - and is - the 1st one I run to.

Speaking of which. There has been some tension in our relationship, but I blame my end of things.....

1- I've let my emotions drive a lot of the time

2- Most of my traumatic history happened while in a relationship setting, so I'm weird about a lot of things 

3- I've been putting him more in the boyfriend box than the best friend box - which is bad because our foundation lies in us being friends very first, and my brain doesn't have nice things to say or ways to think about boyfriends.

 We have so much chemistry and personal investment in one another that I don't need to overthink it or get lost in my head about it. I just need to be how we always have been. I shot him a text today saying that I loved him and that I am so glad he's my best friend. I asked him if he'd wanna hang out tonight after he's off work, and to be honest that felt a lot better than saying we should have date night. I feel like that might be how I need to do that for a while. Dating seems fake and short lived. I wanna go back to what makes us so amazing. I'm not friend zoning him, I just feel more relaxed and connected when I tune in on that level instead. No pressure, just us, and I can express my love and be with him in a way that isn't connected to my exes. It's weird having him in this area of my life. In some ways it complicates things because I've kept the titles of best friend and boyfriend in different categories. In other ways it's refreshing, and a healthy challenge to look at things differently. Still,  boyfriend has a negative connotation to me, so having some one positive in that role is hard to process. Does that make sense? haha I treat him differently as boyfriend and that's not working well. SO we can go back to best friend, flirty, supportive, lovers and I'm gonna marry him some day. I can't wait!

I love how we work together! AH!

I just love connecting with him every day. I don't even care if it's him playing his games on his phone and I read a book while leaning on him with small talk, watching futurama and eating an oven pizza and laughing together, playing hearthstone and BS-ing all night, recalling memories or playing with the fur child in the living room. I want to give him everything - anything he wants. He has good desires and he deserves it as far as I'm concerned! I love it, I love it, I love HIM! Yes He is my lover, soul mate, companion, confidante, future husband, and many other things, but our foundation really comes from how awesome we are as friends BECAUSE we have always there for one another and we enjoy one another's company more than anyone else. I absolutely LOVE that security. I can count on him no matter what! I think my favorite though is how much he also depends on me for support. I love being there for him. I feel valuable, helpful, and important. He got really personal with me the other night - Big drama went on with some people from his past and after we worked things out and helping him process, he told me I was the only real friend he ever had. He may know other people and game hard online, but it's nothing in comparison to what we have. You have to understand, every single life crisis we've had as individuals, we involved the other one in because we're like magnets. It was easier to deal with problems having him there. It was so nice having a different perspective from some one I trusted who could tell it to me straight in a kind way that was in my interest. Over all these years there were other people that we dated, and we were flirty ourselves, haha but it's never felt so good as it has now: actually teaming up with him like this. It's like we finally reached our destination. I don't have to re learn another person to this extent, I just have to keep exploring him and continue strengthening us. I don't have to "put myself out there" with my set of fears, around people I don't even know, not knowing if they can even begin to understand where I'm coming from, or if they'll treat me better than my previous relations. (On top of that - build confidence in them.) His statement really touched me deeply. I am so silly for ever worrying if I was a priority, because his track record is proof. At the very LEAST he will be there when I need him - he always has been, so long as he knows something is going on. I'm so glad I haven't shut him out or let my fears overtake me. As always, only I am holding me back - so it's time to be my own hero and do the scary things like open up, fight my irrational thinking, do what's good for me and save myself so I can enjoy moments like these. :) No one can help me if I don't let them. It's all up to me. I am my own hero, and if I just step out of my own way nothing can stop me.


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