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Post episode ramblings,

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All I seem to think about after an episode is how I'm screwing everything up. I just don't allow myself to win and it's totally unfair and is absolutely self sabotage. 

 I will feel so messed up as though it's causing so many problems in my current relationship. BF is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's been my best friend and been there for me through all of it, big and small and huge and terrifying. In those moments during or after a flash back I'll feel scared, on the shock/shaking level. Mostly after I'll feel like I'm losing my mind because I'm unsure how to process what I'm experiencing.

 It can be difficult finding the balance among blocking, numbing, and being overwhelmed, but you gotta know how GLORIOUS it is for me to have someone who always has my back and reminds me to do breathing exercises, holds my hand or me in general as long as I need :) .

I know the thoughts are irrational constructed from of hurt and fear, but I can still FEEL them as though it were all true no matter WHAT my brain is saying. Maybe this blog is my way of sorting it all out? haha!  I know they aren't rational and I also know my past experiences have been s**t and BF is not remotely the same. I have a comparison now of awful and spectacular. He uses his strength to comfort and protect me instead of dominate and control. What a blessing that is in itself! Do you think that somewhere down the line it's gonna be too much for him and I'm gonna lose him because I can't function, or am not up to par? It comes and goes, guaranteed after revisiting a traumatic event, but I'll have bouts of extremely low self esteem, shut down my communication, self sabotage, give way to trust issues, you name it. As I said, it comes and goes but lately it's been really present and hardly under the surface. Would some of that have to do with being in a good place, with a reasonable amount of safety - like I'm somewhere safe so it's ok to process now? Guh there's so much more to write but I've already written a novel with my intro "blog pilot: conquer". I just need an outlet that connects to people who maybe feel the same thing or can understand it better than most people. I'm trying to stabilize through flash backs and episodes,with the nerves and anxiety - I just want to be ok. BF deserves that and so do I. I don't want to feel messed up and broken anymore because of things I didn't choose or weren't my fault. I could argue that it was my fault that I stayed and endured those things, but given my current perspective, I don't believe that. I have to remember that I was doing the best with what I had and that is exactly how I survived. I've been running from, ignoring and blocking out as much of the memories and feelings as I can but it results in crazy triggers, numbness, isolating myself, thinking about self harm to compensate for emptiness, disconnecting, or feeling overwhelmed if I go about it that way. I ALWAYS feel a gajillion times better if I just express to BF what's going on but mentally I'm not always in a good place and I don't want to dump this all of BF and weigh him down or feel like a burden (which he would fight vehemently - he hates that I feel this way at ALL and just wants to love me. I really think he would do anything for me. really.) . There are times I want to tell him things after an episode but my mouth just stays SHUT no matter how DESPERATELY I want to reach out to him.....AND if he walks away I feel alone like he ditched me when I needed him most but he couldn't have possibly have known that because I'm not communicating, mostly because sharing all this makes me feel like I'm complicating too much and it's just too messy to smooth out (which isn't true). However, I HAVE shared. So, maybe it's just a matter of practice. I need to share, join and interact with people who know my pain or what I'm going through. Because even though there are people here for me, I still feel alone because no one REALLY REALLY gets it, they can only do so much and I feel super touchy about everything especially after an attack.  I don't know what's holding me back from greatness other than myself, I choose how I get to deal with these things. I am a repeated sexual trauma victim and I finally found something good and all I worry about is how I'm gonna break this wonderful gift no matter what I do, or don't do. I know I think this way because of things that happened to me that weren't my fault, but that's just it. They weren't my fault. I stayed determined and devoted through some of the worst things-so maybe it'd be kind of impossible to mess this up unless I did it on purpose. Maybe I will always experience these episodes and panic attacks. Maybe they will never go away. I feel impaired, but it doesn't mean I am. hahaha It's like a massive pep talk, but I think it's necessary. Not everyone understands me and my not communicating can make things harder when the words don't always come out. Remember though, it used to be that I didn't speak at all, and if ever I did it didn't matter to the other person. It's a whole other ball game now :) I have a team player. It seems to me that every little thing has the possibility to trigger or manifest something emotionally painful, but being numb and trying to run away from all the aftermath that comes from these sorts of things is not the way to really live my life. Not properly dealing with all of it is actually hurting me more....when I "allow" the feelings or memories to happen it's like I can't ground myself or I get lost in the memory and it's like I can't see where I am - I am in that moment. but I can choose afterwards what to do with myself. AND I'M NOT ALONE.  All the intimacy between BF and I could be spoiled too unless I open up more. Hopefully making a blog and writing about it will help me with that too. I disconnect, or seem to have only found my value in past (bad) relationships through the sex but there's so much involved with that and I get easily overwhelmed viewing myself as one giant mess lacking focus, strength, skills, feeling broken. It's not like I have reasons I can't tell BF either, he's absolutely the sweetest and incredibly understanding about me and has ALWAYS been there for me but it's like now that we're together I can't divulge since it's on a more personal level and to a certain extent I don't even know what's going on with me or how to deal with it myself. I have to remember that I am 1,000 times better than I have ever been and THAT is a blessing. Even though I despair, I am in fact, getting better. I am my own hero, and I have what it takes to ultimately save myself.

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