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How is your rape affecting you as a person right now? What thoughts do you sometimes have about yourself because of the rape?

JustSam

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I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought processes, my choices. 
I'm very uncomfortable with anything even remotely linked to abuse, rape, etc. I avoid conversations, I avoid relationships and getting close to people in case they somehow see, somehow know what I'm hiding. I isolate myself even from people who might understand.
I'm distracted because I can't stop obsesing about this. I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel trapped under his weight still, the weight of his (W) decision. 
I'm scared because of threats I heard 15 Years Ago! I'm afraid on a daily basis that L will turn up in my life demanding what I owe him, what I promised, that he will finally follow through with his threat to rape me. I'm scared of shadows and things that go bump in the night in case it's him. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being so afraid, I should be over this, I bet he is. 
I hate that I feel like I'm wasting time I should be spending on my current life, that I'm letting everyone down by not being over this. That I'm just using this as an excuse for being sh!t at life. I hate that this guilt and shame, that I can't seem to shift, even though I can logically see that it shouldn't be mine, makes me feel like I'm doing sh!t, when I can see that objectively I'm doing pretty well. I should be able to feel good about that. 




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One of the biggest repercussions of the rape that I cannot shake after all these years is not trusting my own judgement. Specifically, not trusting that I am a good judge of character. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and not see the bad in people, but internally I am always second guessing myself. I am also indecisive to a fault, I cannot make decisions and so I lean on others to make them for me or advise me before making even simple decisions. Hugs to you, as I think we really relate on this topic. 

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23 hours ago, StrugglingMama said:

One of the biggest repercussions of the rape that I cannot shake after all these years is not trusting my own judgement. Specifically, not trusting that I am a good judge of character. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and not see the bad in people, but internally I am always second guessing myself. I am also indecisive to a fault, I cannot make decisions and so I lean on others to make them for me or advise me before making even simple decisions. Hugs to you, as I think we really relate on this topic. 

It makes me feel like I am defenceless & worthless like I am a toy which she used to play with :cry: 

i think less of myself as a person 

cause it's made me feel like I don't matter.

 

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@StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try 

@Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS) :bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug: (if ok)

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3 hours ago, JustSam said:

@StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try 

@Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS) :bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug: (if ok)

:cry: thank you justsam.

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I complete agree with the inability to make even the simplest decision and not trusting my own judgment because what if it is the wrong decision?   It is crippling and effects every aspect of my life.  And it is frustrating to have to try to navigate everyday life when any sort of change sends me into a panic and crisis mode.  Most people go ok now what do I do and start thinking of options, my brain goes into omg the world is ending, flight or fight mode.

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