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How is your rape affecting you as a person right now? What thoughts do you sometimes have about yourself because of the rape?

JustSam

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I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought processes, my choices. 
I'm very uncomfortable with anything even remotely linked to abuse, rape, etc. I avoid conversations, I avoid relationships and getting close to people in case they somehow see, somehow know what I'm hiding. I isolate myself even from people who might understand.
I'm distracted because I can't stop obsesing about this. I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel trapped under his weight still, the weight of his (W) decision. 
I'm scared because of threats I heard 15 Years Ago! I'm afraid on a daily basis that L will turn up in my life demanding what I owe him, what I promised, that he will finally follow through with his threat to rape me. I'm scared of shadows and things that go bump in the night in case it's him. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being so afraid, I should be over this, I bet he is. 
I hate that I feel like I'm wasting time I should be spending on my current life, that I'm letting everyone down by not being over this. That I'm just using this as an excuse for being sh!t at life. I hate that this guilt and shame, that I can't seem to shift, even though I can logically see that it shouldn't be mine, makes me feel like I'm doing sh!t, when I can see that objectively I'm doing pretty well. I should be able to feel good about that. 




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