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How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?



It made me feel weak because I couldn't stop it. I always thought I was a strong person, physically and mentally. The fact that I was so scared, I couldn't even make him understand that I didn't want it (how I saw it at the time) made me feel So weak and pathetic. How could I expect anyone to understand, to care, to help me if I couldn't even help myself? I felt like that was my fault for going back to him/staying with him, I felt weak for thinking I needed him. I felt like I couldn't trust myself because I hadn't been able to see that I shouldn't have been there and I hadn't listened to my guts when I felt that something was wrong. I couldn't trust anyone around me (if my boyfriend could do that to me what was everyone else capable of?) I couldn't trust myself, my body, my instincts, my decisions. I felt damaged and dirty inside, I hated myself. I didn't want to get to close to anyone for fear that they'd see, there'd know what I'd allowed to happen.

It's only now that I can see why I felt the way I did, at the time I couldn't face what had happened and I just thought I was crazy or being an over dramatic teenager. 


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I like the way I (mis)heard the lyrics from one of my favorite bands: "Delusions of autonomy, I surrendered my identity." As well as the lyrics from another one of their songs "Don't it seem so detached and unreal
Don't it seem so far away
Like the past never happened
Like nothing's ever changed "

It's hard to say how it made me feel because I was so young when it happened that the feeling of violation and humiliation was all I knew.

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my csa made me feel weak, disgusted, homicidal, suicidal, extreme fear, immense emotional and physical pain, alone, vulnerable, empty, hopeless.

my rape made me feel nothing during. before scared, frozen, lost, empty. after i felt shaken, disgusted, physical pain and sore, alone, hopeless. i felt as if no one would believe me because i went to his house. i felt i had to act like it didnt happen otherwise people will see what happened. 

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I still feel extremely humiliated and suicidal. A day doesn't go by that I don't shed tears. I don't know if I'm ever going heal. I feel dead on the inside.

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My csa screwed up myself as a person. It went so young into me that its hard to remember how I was before it. Sometimes I struggle to which part of my personality and behaviour is part of myself and which is due to the abuse. 

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