Making Dreams a Reality
so i had a dream not too long along ive been analyzing for a while. its similar to a few ive had recently about B (my birth mother). more often than not, other family members are there, my aunt, my cousin, and sometimes my grandmother who passed. im still me at my age of 32 but it seems like a different time and place. the gist of the dream is me expressing my pain, my hurt, my rage at her and everyone else for letting me down, teasing me, abusing me physically and verbally. sometimes im crying in the dream and i feel physical pain from the hurt which i still wake up with. but the strangest thing happens, she actually apologizes. previous dreams she doesnt. but, she acknowledges what she did and didnt do for me. my cousin is always trying to be the reasonable one to help mend things between us. in the dream im not completely convinced enough to let it go. i wake up with the remnants of the physical pain but also a calm.
ive been analyzing these dreams because in reality, i know i will never get such an apology or acknowledgment. but, im trying to determine if my soul is trying to come to some sort of resolution about her so i can move forward without her black cloud attached to me. is this my hopeful wishing manifesting itself in my dreams for a reality i will never have. i can feel that small part of me that wants to hold on to that rage because i never got revenge or justice for what she did to me. but, the bigger part of me is just tired. tired of constantly replaying every word and ever hit over and over and over again every minute of every day. so, im trying to accept this form of dream resolution in reality. the weight of her mistakes are too much to carry as my fault. weird to say, but i guess this is a form of emotion maturity lol. ive concluded my intellect is that of a wise buddha at times but my emotion maturity is that of an 8 year with surpressed expression. im hoping im growing though.
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