Resurrection?

What makes me afraid is that I will not be able to say the words.   There are certain things I don't speak about.   This unfortunately makes people think whatever it is I am dealing with is not that important.  But in reading your post, I was reminded of the things that keep me from talking about my experiences verbally.  I find its easiest to write about these things rather than to verbally speak them.   I find I stammer a bit if I try to verbally convey any part of that story.  The last person I spoke to about this at any length was exceptionally patient.   I am grateful for that.  Hearing the words, does make it real...it make it what is perhaps the most important acknowledgment, my own acknowledgment.  People don't understand when I say things that other survivors understand.  It's not because we are weak, but because we have battle scars from an internal war.   Most people never understand that. 

That people will say that it was just "kids being kids" or that I made it all up because it was so long ago and I was so young, or that I wanted to do it, or that I deserved it because I wasn't acting according to my assigned gender, that people will tell me I'm overreacting, or that my abuser was abused too and thus make me feel like I'm the same as him, that because it took me so long to realize that it couldn't have happened, that my gender identity and sexual orientation are caused by the abuse.

i guess this is two part for me. my fears of telling someone came true when i first told about my csa. no one, i should say my birth mother, didnt believe me. my trust in everyone on this planet was broken. now, im afraid if i try to tell someone again i will get the same result. i told my supposed best friend about it and didnt receive much support, in fact we are no longer the friends we were growing up. so, im afraid the people i do know will no longer want to know me. its one thing to support surviviors but its seems difficult for people to actually know a survivor sometimes. im afraid of not being understood by those who have never experienced it. im afraid people want me to give details. im afraid of looks of pity. im afraid of being even more vulnerable than i am.

I fear not being believed. I think they will think I am not thin and gorgeous and so why would anyone want to rape me. I try to press ahead anyway and for the most part I do. I am going to speak publicly after the trial concludes. I fear people thinking I am not good enough...which is insane, I know...

@Iheartcupcakes

That is my fear too. And the other is that people could make jokes about that. Bad experience: One time I was at a consultant. And I think she doesn´t really belive me. I don´t know but I had that feeling a little bit. I don´t want to do her wrong. But since that time I never went to a face to face consulation again.

I understand, @Ausi. For example, there are MANY forms of concrete, irrefutable evidence in my case. And still, when the defense filed a motion to do away with rape shield so they could attack me and my supposed sexual history (they are going to have to make one up because it consists of my former husband and the rapist) I was SO upset. They had a list of witnesses and even though I knew it would all be lies, I was still sick. I had my close friends all tell me they believed me yet again. I felt horrible. I KNOW what he did...and I KNOW there is so much evidence. But I was still insecure. 

@Iheartcupcakes Hm. Must be terrible to know the truth and seeing the liars comming away, and despite of that being again and again a danger. I belive you. Such an injustice is not easy to take. My problem was that some people did not belive the my story and how it could happen to me. But it could happen, it did happen. During it happened I did not want to belive it myself but have too and I know what happened and what it felt like.  Ok it was in my youth not today. But it´s still hurting and ashaming.

 

Edited March 15, 2017 by Ausi

I'm sorry @Ausi. I believe you, too. 

Thank you @Iheartcupcakes .

I'm afraid that mine won't be "serious enough" for the people I tell too understand that it has torn me from my life. I'm scared they will think I'm being dramatic or seeking attention when I just need to open up to someone. 

Hi @Ash9 ,

3 hours ago, Ash9 said:

I'm afraid that mine won't be "serious enough" for the people I tell too understand that it has torn me from my life.

I understand what you mean. But if I am allowed to encourage you, I think:

If it is SERIOUS FOR YOU it IS SERIOUS AT ALL and for REAL FRIENDS AND EVEN MORE FOR FAMILYMEMEMBERS etc. it should be SERIOUS TOO. If they are UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND YOU, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Wish you much strengh,

Ausi

I am afraid of not being believed. Of being told I should "put it behind me" and "move on". I am afraid people will think I led him on and because I was drunk that it was my fault. I am afraid of hearing the words "it could have been so much worse, it was so long ago, you're giving this one incident too much power." I am afraid of being pitied. My fears don't equal the weight of my shame though. I am more ashamed than anything. And I can't really explain why. 

I hate finding out who people really are. If someone is a jerk id rather not know face to face. Anyone can get raped just like anyone can get their car stolen. But people blame the victim so much and have to me that it had broken me even more. Just treat me like i was shot in the chest. Bring me a great gift basket and help me recover. Dont say what where were you doing standing in front of that gun. 

Also it seems anytime i tell the person sexual abuses me further??

Edited June 11, 2017 by GaleH

On 3/17/2017 at 6:35 AM, Ash9 said:

I'm afraid that mine won't be "serious enough" for the people I tell too understand that it has torn me from my life. I'm scared they will think I'm being dramatic or seeking attention when I just need to open up to someone. 

^^^^ exactly this. others have objectively suffered worse than me, but somehow what happened to me has hit me very hard

I feel as mine if so long ago people will think why is he making a fuss know 

I'm afraid to tell people about it often times because then I won't be able to tell them about anything else I am feeling. This kinda happened to me before which makes it worse. I don't know if I told them about my assault but I told them my story of my childhood and my father. Well they implied that my feelings for a guy weren't real because they just stemmed from not getting enough love from him. It's difficult because people make assumptions about the rest of your feelings or your life. I know that it's easy for them too because on the surface that's the way it looks and that's how it commonly is for many survivors.

Other assumptions that people would most likely make is that I need to fix the negative feelings of it or that I needed to report it. I get so tired of people saying maybe I need a new therapist in other situations (I haven't told them about my rape I think but I'm scared it will be the same way) and I have had a few people wondering why didn't I report it. I know in those cases they were just trying to help but still and most importantly whenever I have a health problem mental or physical their go to response is take medication. It's like they see rape as a fixable disease and you can't continue the rest of your life until you destroy all "evidence" of it. It's not enough to have the person not in your life anymore sometimes.

 

Edited July 13, 2017 by Aquarlefty