How does thinking about the rape make you feel, and why?
I find it quite difficult to think about it most of the time. If I try to it feels like my minds pulling away from it. My gut reaction to thinking about the rape is to feel trapped, scared, panicked and unsafe, or to feel nothing, numb, disconnected. I went through all these emotions during the assault. I also feel very guilty, especially over certain parts, parts where I feel like I lead him on and let him think that I was OK with what he was doing.
It makes me feel sad for the person who was lost, the person who never I was, who I could have been if this hadn't happened. I'm sad for the girl I was, for all the pain/shame She went through after the rape, blaming herself, hurting herself. I feel defeated, crushed, used. I feel so confused, I wish I understood why he would choose to hurt me like that, what was going through his head. It makes me feel sick inside. I feel betrayed that someone I trusted could do that to me, and betrayed by myself for believing it was my fault so easily, for freezing up, for going along with it rather than face the truth and fight. I feel so guilty, I should have fought, I should have confronted them after. I didn't, I let them get away with it and maybe think they could get away with it again. I feel like I let down every girl in their lives by doing nothing to alert them to the danger.
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