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Will normal ever be possible?


JBC13

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I thought once my mom went to therapy with me everything would get easier. She would be able to understand where I am coming from and how I feel. But honestly since she came in it has only gotten harder on me and not because of her. Now instead of constantly having anxiety and panic attacks due to my parents or drama going around in my family. Now I deal with having to face what happened to me and on top of that a whole other bunch of legal matters from a separate issue that made me worse. I feel like I went backwards, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. I just wish there was a way I could shut my feelings down completely. Not care what anyone says, thinks etc. I wish I didnt let situations in past, present and people affect my emotions so much. I wish I had more control over how I feel but instead I feel like I have no control over my own life yet alone my feelings. I pushed my friends away because I am too afraid to socialize and would much be more comfortable at home but yet I get depressed being home all the time. I get anxious over work and money etc. Yet I am too depressed to get anything ever done. I feel like I play a constant tug of war with myself on a daily basis. I recently started xanax and well its showed me that its not normal to feel the way I do and that I can feel normal. But my therapist says thats not an everyday medicine and if I need it everyday I need to go on something more permanent for the time being. But I have tried so many medicines that just make me feel like im essentially paralyzed. I just want to be myself, whoever I am and I just want to not feel the pain and sickness of anxiety and PTSD anymore. I hate that I cant relate to any of my friends or family. I hate that it kills me to talk to people because I feel at a loss for words. I hate that as much as I need you as a friend or family in my life I constantly push you away because your a trigger of my anxiety. It hurts me to even think that my family can be a trigger for me. That I cant sleep over their house because it makes me so anxious and I dont sleep at night and it kills me that even just going over there or seeing them makes me anxious of what are they going to say, what will they have planned to do. etc. Its like my mind cant ever shut off and it always brings me to the worst possible scenario. It sucks living like this and I just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel and it scares me to feel this way. I know I don't go on here as nearly as I should be and its nice to have you guys to talk to but its still lonely in my circle. 

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