As I've said, I don't feel like I think much about the actual events. When I had counselling it was suggested that my imagined scenarios were a way of me reliving what happened/ how I felt, without actually facing the truth. I feel like I'm lying when I say that my daily life is affected by this, when I don't even have many thoughts about what really actually happened.
The main 'memory' I have of my rape, of W, has no visual, no real sense of my physical self. I just remember the sudden fear, panic and confusion. I hear my weak, panicked little voice saying, "no, no" (as he forced himself inside me). I remember feeling so utterly crushed, so lost in that darkness, so alone, so confused. Like nothing in the world could ever make sense or ever be right after this. I sometimes feel like I'm still trapped in this dark, lonely, scarey place.
The memories I struggle with most are flashes of L's face, the one I saw when I told him I wanted to break up. I could see that he wanted to hurt me but I couldn't understand what was happening at first, this version of him just jarred so much with the person I thought he was. The way he just, informed me that he could have sex with me if he wanted, there was nothing I could do about it, so calm on the surface but that terrifying danger behind his eyes. I know I was breaking up with him, but I still cared about him. The hatred and malice I felt from him in that look cut right to my core. I felt so guilty that I'd upset him so much, I thought he really was the lovely guy I believed him to be and I'd brought this hatred out by hurting his feelings