Jump to content
Some browsers are having difficulty with functionality. Please try an alternative browser, if this is happening to you. If you are having connectivity issues beyond this or or need assistance, email us at: aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com! ×
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?



As I've said, I don't feel like I think much about the actual events. When I had counselling it was suggested that my imagined scenarios were a way of me reliving what happened/ how I felt, without actually facing the truth. I feel like I'm lying when I say that my daily life is affected by this, when I don't even have many thoughts about what really actually happened. 

The main 'memory' I have of my rape, of W,  has no visual, no real sense of my physical self. I just remember the sudden fear, panic and confusion. I hear my weak, panicked little voice saying, "no, no" (as he forced himself inside me). I remember feeling so utterly crushed, so lost in that darkness, so alone, so confused. Like nothing in the world could ever make sense or ever be right after this. I sometimes feel like I'm still trapped in this dark, lonely, scarey place.

The memories I struggle with most are flashes of L's face, the one I saw when I told him I wanted to break up. I could see that he wanted to hurt me but I couldn't understand what was happening at first, this version of him just jarred so much with the person I thought he was. The way he just, informed me that he could have sex with me if he wanted, there was nothing I could do about it, so calm on the surface but that terrifying danger behind his eyes. I know I was breaking up with him, but I still cared about him. The hatred and malice I felt from him in that look cut right to my core. I felt so guilty that I'd upset him so much, I thought he really was the lovely guy I believed him to be and I'd brought this hatred out by hurting his feelings

1 Comment

Recommended Comments

I am so sorry for what happened to you.  I don't have many memories, and things I don't 'remember' come back in nightmares.  They are very real.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...