so ive been posting positive quotes all over the walls in my bedroom/drawing room to keep positivity in my face all the time. see, im working on trying to quiet the negative voices in my head. the problem was how i got my start in life. i was left in the care of a bully (my birth. other B) that knew how to lie, manipulate, and con anyone she came in contact with. in front of people, she was charismatic, funny, charming, witty, the perfect parent. B was not this person with me. after, many many many years of trying to analyze and over analyzing my upbringing, ive found one conclusion that may work. i grew up with someone who behaved like a cult leader. B didnt start off physically beating me, verballing abusing me, emotionally crippling me. she was nice, let me sleep in her bed when i had nightmares, would hug me, tell me she loved me. i believed it. then my brother was born when i was 4 and things changed. slowly the love was rescinded, no more hugs. now came the indoctrination. it was yelling, put downs, then build you up a little only to knock you down. it was calling of names instead of encouragement when doing homework then praise when completed. it was beatings for minor things or because B was irritated. as i got older, i didnt need B to say things anymore, she lives in my head and heart. now, i call myself names, put myself down, tell myself negative things about myself. and if i didnt meet my wife years back i would still be following her like a good cult member. but, i still hear her voice, see her face, feel her hands and fist. thats why im posting the quotes. i need something, anything to quiet those voices. one of them mentioned seeing the good, positive in myself. i have 19 years to conquer. so im trying to find my positives from those years moving forward. so, im going to list my positives, at the ones i believe.
- im very loyal to those i care for
- i am a good artist
- i love strongly when i open myself up
- i am very shy in person
- i like to give help more than receive any help
- i am independent to an extent
- i love to think logically and outside the box
im working on building this list, on focusing on this list during the very bad times, on continuing believing this list.