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How often do you think about your rape, and do you ever feel like you have thoughts about it that you can’t stop?

JustSam

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I think about it (them?) directly at least once or twice a day, but most of my thoughts are indirect. What ifs. I find it hard to face the truth, to think about what actually happened. But the what ifs are so hard to stop, it's like I have to imagine the entire scenario, I can't stop till it's over, but it's never over. It doesn't end. I imagine being raped by strangers, acquaintances, friends, but mostly by Luke. I'm so scared that he still believes I owe him because I agreed to stay "friends with benefits", that one day something will happen in his life and he'll decide to act on this.



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I think about it whenever I am not distracted by something. I would definitely say its intrusive and I cant stop thinking about it. It always starts with a random thought and pulls me down more and more like a downward spiral. I dont want to think about it but I cant help myself. Sorry you are going through the same.

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Every time i see the person who did it my stomach sinks as i remember it. She acts like nothing ever happened.

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It's an at least once daily thought, but sometimes I'm better at breaking the thought loop and leaving it at a single thought than others 😕

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@JustSam Well now that it all has come back up... everyday multiple times a day it can have an emotional impact on me to the point of hindering my routine. Without me wanting to. There was a time where I did think of it everyday but I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything because I numbed myself with various vices; but nowadays I am just going through the motions of it all and I feel like it’s on my mind a lot more than I would like. Seems like almost anything can remind me of something on my worst days.

i am so sorry you are still feeling this even years later. It’s just something that stays with us :( 

sitting with you and sending healing energy your way 💜

sam

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I've been able to mostly keep busy/distracted but this week has been hard since people are isolated and I'm not able to distract myself in the ways I'm used to.... I'm scared if this lasts much longer I'll be back in a bad place. 

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I thought I was alone.

I think about it every day, multiple times, even when I don't want to.

I will be going through the day, even having a good day or enjoying myself, and then "bam".  It hits like a ton of bricks.  

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I did for a long time. Couldn’t sleep without a nightlight. I went to psychotherapy and became open about my experience which made me think about it less. The thing I get told is... it wasn’t my fault. A lot of the time I spent thinking about it was when I kept telling myself that it was. But when I look back on it, at least the parts that I remember, I know it wasn’t. And the more people I told the more I got people being outraged by that behaviour that my rapist did that night. The more anger and people telling me it wasn’t my fault the less I thought about it. The more I talked about it the more I realized that I did NOTHING wrong. 
don’t get me wrong, I have my nights I can’t sleep. I go months and months without getting any sex drive from it. There are nights I still feel the cold foreign touch and the freight in my body like I felt the night I was raped. But my conscious mind has moved on for the most part. I found my peace in telling my story and knowing that in no way did I consent to anything. 
 

I hope you find your peace.

 

julia

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@goldraindrops In here, you are never alone. :) 

 

- - - - - - 

 

Since I'm not a lot here, I'd say lot less. The last 2 years I thought about it once in a wile and I could control it. I had problem when the hashtag me too started in 2017 and it was everywhere. I was on a job doing 70h a week and I would not let me sleep at night. Without it, would have last 3 years of quite a good control. Now that I'm back, took 4 weeks before I lost control and it's everyday, mostly at night before falling asleep.  Now, I know I've done the right choice to not buy a house in here even if it's a nice little suburb surrounded by forest on the island of the big city. 

 

Goldie

 

Edited by Goldeneye

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Hi! I would love to talk to you about this because I too think about my rape and sexual assaults way more than i think i should and i want to find a way to stop the thoughts!

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Hi @luckyladybug I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this, I must have missed the notification. Since I wrote this, a few years ago now, I’ve had some counselling and done some research, I have a much better understanding of what happened and why I reacted the way I did and I’ve let go of a lot of the guilt I was carrying. I still think about it almost as much but a lot of the time now the narrative of these thoughts is Much different. I’m standing up for myself more in the aftermath of the assault, confronting the people who assaulted me or using my story to speak out and educate others. It’s still kind of relentless and not something I particularly want to be thinking. I Think at this point it may be something a kin to OCD and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop these obsessive thoughts but I am happy I’ve changed the narrative (for the most part) and made the progress I have. 

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