Rough Night
Entry posted by FeelingsAreHard ·
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I am still fighting the memory that came back to me the other night. Last night was very hard for me and I feel like I am going through an emotional roller coaster. I am so shocked and hurt and I just couldn't believe that after everything that I knew I had been through, that it could get worse... I couldn't believe I had been through more than I previously remembered. I tried to reach out to a friend and he just tried to tell me to focus on the now and basically leave the past in the past. Which I know he has no idea what I am going through and he just wants me to survive this and be ok. But I can't just shove all of this new information behind me. Finding out this about myself is very hard and I feel even more betrayed then before which I didn't think was possible. I now realize why I don't have very many memories from the time I was young and it terrifies me to know what all I have been blocking out. I feel so vulnerable right now and all of this is very hard. I kept having nightmares last night and waking up every few hours and I had cried so much that my eyes were super puffy when I woke up. I just feel like my heart was literally broken. I mean I felt like the Grinch who stole Christmas,, when his heart grows three sizes and it hurt except my heart shatter and I could literally feel it. and I just keep having the endless questions of why... Why did this happen to me... I was just starting to be able to face the 9 years of hell that I went through from the ages of 8 to 17... why did I need to remember that R**e has been a part of my whole life from the time I was a baby to 17... That is an entirely different hurdle I now have to try and over come and I don't even know where or how to start. I just keep asking Why... What did I do wrong... What did I do to deserve this... Why couldn't I have had a different life with parents who loved me and a family who treated me right and..... Just why... I don't understand anymore... This is so hard.. I have literally endured some kind of abuse my whole life... Whether it be.. physical, mental, sexual, or neglect... I have only ever known abuse... No wonder I am struggling so hard with life... This just isn't fair I just don't even know what to feel right now.
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