just feeling tired today. been staying up late trying to figure out my life. been putting all my energy into drawing which makes me tired as well. then im working out very hard to try and relax myself. all this and my mind still works a mile a minute. my life is going in many different directions, none of my personal choosing. trying to go with the flow but this flow sucks. i dont like not being control of my life. makes me feel like im back in that place again. i dont do weakness very well nor do i like being vulnerable. makes me feel shameful, angry, hopeless, disgusted. how do i express it? i dont. its kept inside where it cant hurt anyone yet its hurting me. and i want to unleash it. not on anyone but maybe on the ones who hurt me. so i figured to not let that rage on someone, i get a heavy bag, punch the shit out of it and maybe it might help. then i wonder, will it be the same? will it help? who knows. i do know it adds to my fatigue. it drains me of happiness. 

happiness. i sometimes wonder is this an emotion i am experiencing or am i mimicking what ive seen in others. i wonder the same about love. i know i feel it because it something ive wanted and ive seen what it looks like. but i wonder am i giving it. do others feel love or my indifference to people, to affections. im not an affectionate person. never had it growing up. so how do i know im giving enough? how do i not freeze when being touched? not to say i dont want to be touched by those i care for. but, how do i stop the initial freezing at first touch or even relax into a hug? also things that run through my mind, especially lately. 

i miss what i should have had growing up. decent parents, loving relationships, support, smiles, laughs, hugs, comfort. i dont like to dwell but i guess i am dwelling. i ask myself over and over why do i have to go through all this? why do i have to struggle so much alone? why do i have to experience all this just to be strong? i couldve been strong without being raped, sexually abused, physically and verbally abused. struggles can make you stronger but they can also break you. could be the fatigue talking, got me rambling. but im just tired and looping things in my head. off to find something mindless and exhausting to do.