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A letter to my past self

JustSam

Entry posted by JustSam ·

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Followers 1

Dear Sam,
Tomorrow something is going to happen to you. I wish I could warn you, I wish I could prevent it and save you, but I can't, I can't save either of us, it's already happened. Tomorrow your boyfriend is going to rape you. He won't leave injuries that people will see, he won't punch you, kick you, threaten your life but don't let that stop you from acknowledging the pain and injury he does cause. 
I understand why you won't be able to bring yourself to face what happened and speak about it. Re-victimisation is a perfectly sane thing to fear and to want to avoid. Having your control taken away again by parents, police, hospital staff, teachers or friends all trying to do "what's best for you". I still believe that not reporting it to the police was for the best, but not being able to legally prove the facts doesn't make them less true or painful, and doesn't stop you from getting help.
I know you will feel ashamed and believe that it was your fault, it will be in no way your fault. Not being able to prevent it is in no way a failure on your part, if you were the victim of any other crime this wouldn't even cross your mind. I want you to know that to freeze, like a rabbit in the headlights, is a normal response to terror. As is playing along, going through the motions, biding your time until you can make a safe escape. Don't believe that any of your actions cause his, or absolve him of the guilt. He will choose/ has possibly already chosen to hurt you. That is his choice, his fault, not yours. Please try to spend your energy grieving for your loss (your innocence, trust, childish cares) and taking care of yourself, rather than punishing yourself and making excuses for him. 
I already know these words are meaningless, I know you will pull away, lock away the memories, accept the fear and shame and guilt as part of you and hate yourself for it. I know you will be depressed and hurt yourself. I'm learning to accept you, and the choices you made, I forgive you, you will learn to forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault, you may not believe it now but take comfort knowing one day you will. 

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Caraaa

Hi just sam, after reading this i felt, inspired, to do this for myself too, I hope you don't mind, i found reading yours inspiring, and helpful in a way, well done for sharing

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JustSam

Thank you @Caraaa of course I don't mind. FYI it was in reading the letter back to myself that it really hit home. I hope you find it helpful.

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