I'm trying to understand and come to accept that I truly only have a one real best friend. I'm also trying to understand and accept that I don't have a family. Yes, I have a family I was born into but I have never considered anyone my real family. I was so very different from all of them. I cry when I'm hurt, they don't. They see tears as weakness and I was verbally and physically abused because I cried and I cried because I was being bullied. I loved to draw, my birth mother considered this a means to profit off of and also forced me to draw for my abuser instead of it just letting it be my gift for me. I liked to dance when I was a kid, but when two adults and your younger family members gang up on you and tease you, it broke me. I rarely dance now. I liked to sing when I was younger, but my birth mother today me "shut the f*** up". I only sing by myself now. I was told by my birth mother to come and talk to her about anything. Any time I said the truth, particularly my sexual abuse, I got nothing or I got beat.
I say birth mother or father because these are the people who gave birth to me but biology doesn't make them my real mother or father. Being loving to your child, protecting your child, building them up, supporting them, encouraging them in a positive manner. Those are qualities of a good mother and father. I was not loved, I wasn't protected, I was torn down, I was never supported or encouraged. Some say you had food, shelter, and clothes on your back. Monkeys provide more love to their children than some humans, mine included. I had a best friend, one that I loved more than anyone. Was there for her when her father died. When my grandmother (who was the only one to truly love me) died, she wasn't there, at all. Her mother treated me like a daughter, I lost her along with my former best friend.
So what does my family look like, it's my wife. I speak of her so much because she is my best friend. Almost 12 years and she has given me more love then I have ever experienced before in my life. I have shared my complete past with her and she has loved me even more. I have been grateful and unworthy of her love. But, I know she is all I have. I know what love is logically, but this relationship is the first time I've experienced true love since I was a child. So, she is my family. The only one I recognize...ever. One thing I look forward to are true, honest, loyal, loving friends. I can't wait to meeting them...
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