It's been awhile since checking in with AS. Am I better? i seriously dont know.

nightmares continue and i find myself afraid of going to sleep. wake up in sweat.

panic attacks continue too. sometimea trigger is just overwhelming sensation like too much noise or crowded places. Other times it just comes. no reason.

heart pounding. icy cold stomach  the ice and snow flows through my veins spreading throughout the body. breathing become shallow and fast. 

however i have been able to read again subjects that i had previously lost now the interest is back. yesterday i almost felt like me again before PTSD.

i do now have more memories of the past that inhad forgottten. i used to tutor at a boys home when kids was with their father on Sunday mornings. my cousin reminded me thru her posting. 

still i am the black sheep. 

i often wonder here i am in need of help and support yet my relatives are busy helping others. how twisted. 

it's as though just because i seem well outside (inside i am struggling same as those girls at the home) yet no one has asked how are you?  ironic...But more importantly, she reminded me that i did the same and did something useful when I had time. 

sometimes i just want to go to a happy place which i thnk is beneficial but i havent found one or lack resourcea or just plain unmotivated. 

sometimes people say love you but dont actually mean it and i am puzzled. it's not your love i need or want but heart with empathy, some place to go to just be.

i love the ocean and sometimes wish i was on vacation by the sea. wind sun surf

my anxiety levels have beem bad as there is an important thing tomorrow. 

haiz not looking forward to it...

anyways here is to many more non chapters just moments seconds and hopefully oblivion or just Be