So today started good but ended bad for me. Since jointing this site, I’ve opened myself up to release memories and emotions I’ve always found a way to avoid. Mentally I’ve been all over the place, not balanced. My wife has been loving and patient with me for almost 12 years (something I am forever grateful for) but I still struggle being intimate with her. I’m in a constant state of being triggered. I have a safe word when I have a flashback but I’ve been so stuck with fear and disappointment I don’t say anything. I sometimes wish she would move on from me, find someone with less problems. For so long in my past I resolved myself to being alone because of this issues. Why does she stay with me? What does she see in me to make her stay? I feel all I do is let her down when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. *deep sigh*
Its hard to explain to the person you love that I feel dirty at the moment or I feel like throwing up when you touch me. Trying to explain its not YOU that makes me feel this way, just memories. Its not that she won’t understand, I just feel too vulnerable to tell her. I know I owe her honesty, but how do I find the words in the moment through the tears and pain?