Ever since the event (the second event), I feel so broken. My confidence, my security, and my innate sense of self was shattered.
And now I am just existing. I am so different. I am promiscuous. It doesn't make sense. I don't really enjoy it. Yet I still actively do it. With new people, different people, people I don't really want.
And then, it hit me. I am not after the sex. I am not even after the people. I am trying to find something. Something unobtainable. I want the thing that broke me to fix me.
I want to feel safe again. To feel loved.
But I am too vulnerable to love.
I shield myself from pain, from hurt, from emotion. To the point where I shut off everything. And I am just existing. Looking for anything that might make me live again.