Day after telling my story, I feel somber. A little relief, sadness, heartache, freeing, anger, numbness. I always feel the numbness and anger the most. It's the easiest emotions to tap into when I don't want to think about what happened to me. I have this place called my "happy place". I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I'm not here in this world relieving my abuse over and over again. I've lived in this world for so long, I fall into it more than living in reality. It's so safe there, everyone loves me, I'm protected, most of the time I'm protecting someone. Life is easy there. I create my own struggles but ones I know I can beat and come out a better person. I can get revenge in my happy place, the wrong can be righted.
This has been my coping method. Yes, I draw, read, work out, even do yoga and meditate to stop the chatter and memories. But, going to my happy place is my first choice. Because it has been such a part of me, I can see now how it is preventing me from facing my past. When things are too much in life, stressors from work, conflict with customer service reps, anything, I fall into my happy place. I now have to find a way to deal with these stressors in a healthier way but how? My method is easier but it's also hurting me. In everyday life (reality), going off into my head doesn't help me manage stress, I'm just avoiding it. So, I guess my next step after opening myself up about my abuse is to find a different coping skill. One that will allow me to face things without running and hiding and numbing myself to anything and everything. I know I will run often to start with and fall into old habits, I'm realistic about my faults. But, I truly want to try. I want to have simple relationships with people again. Got to start somewhere.