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Everything happens for a reason



Everything happens for a reason. I’ve hated that statement since the very first time I can remember hearing it. It makes it sound like the world is a fair place. If you do something good you are rewarded and if you do something bad you are punished. All the chaos in the world is part of some grand plan that we don’t get to know about. If karma exists is not going to happen in this world. This is my story and nobody else’s. Unfortunately, from what I’ve read and heard in the past 15 months it seems to be a pretty common story.  As uncomfortable as its going to make you feel reading this please understand that it was much more uncomfortable living it and it’s so hard telling it that I have to do it anonymously. I've been writing it for a year and a still cry when I read the words. I want to share this with the people that care about me (if there are any left). 5 years ago I was living a normal (I did say that) life. Good job, lots of money, nice town, nice car, living with my family and lots of friends. Then my Dad died. I hadn't seen him or really talked to him in years. I lived 8,000 miles away. Then everything slowly started to fall apart and I don't know why. I did know why but I didn't connect the dots. Now I live 10,000 miles away from every person that matters to me.  All alone and afraid of the truth and so ashamed and embarrassed that I would rather be alone than have people feel sorry for me or know the truth. But everything happens for a reason right? More to follow


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:hug:if ok. I can relate to what you wrote; all of it and actually everything does happen for a reason unfortunately - even if that reason is so outrageously unacceptable that it can be considered a crime, which is the part that no one ever mentions or tends to act on nearly enough IMO. 

Being abused is not your shame, it is not your embarrassment; if people show you pity instead of empathy or can't be told the truth, those are their failings, not yours. We don't need to cease to exist because someone chose to abuse us, but it can be helpful to go away and heal until we can make our way back into the world with enough self protective armour. Sometimes that means a permanent change in where we live and who we allow into our lives and that's ok.

I hope that you are able to get some help and support. You haven't done anything wrong.

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You are not alone.  It feels very hard right not but you are not alone.  You have people who care about you.  Living 10,000 miles away, must be difficult.  It sounds like you are on the other side of the world.   I have always hated that "everything happens for a reason" statement too.  I think people throw it out there in an effort to make sense out things that dont readily make sense.  Even when religious people throw that out there, it drives me up the wall. There are some things that just defy  that sort of pat explaination.  Abuse of any sort hurts.  It is hard but abuse is never anything to be ashamed of.  It doesn't define you.  It is an unfortunate part of the narrative but it is not your whole story.  It is an unfortunate part of my story too.  But it is not all of me just like it is not all of you.  It hurts.  It is ok to admit that it hurts.  In fact it is important to admit it hurts.  You might benefit from a support group.  If you need help finding something like that, please let me know.  I can help you look for resources.  I don't mind at all and it's my thing to find things.  Above all, I want you to know one more thing.  You can heal. It will get better.  There are times it is slow going and times when it feels more like skiing in the Olympics, but you will make it through.  Sending you lots of safe hugs if ok. :hug:  Sitting with you :candle:

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Thank you Hawkgirl and Stagnas. Its harder than I thought it would be to write things down. Looking at the words seem like I'm making excuse for my shitty behavior. I've spent a life time avoiding it, pretending it wasn't a big deal. It took me a life time to realize everything was connected. Every action and decision I've made since I was 8 has been to protect myself. My secret. I've always doubted my manhood because of what happened. I did everything to convince myself. 18 years old, hey world look at me I joined the Marines so I cant be weak and taken advantage of. I'm a man right? Look I've done 6 Ironman triathlons so I'm really tough right? I'm a workaholic, I drink too much, I do drugs if the opportunity arises but worst of all I keep every human being that cares about me at arms length. I let nobody in. So many people haven't given up on me and would do anything for me and I still run away. I hate the fact I cant tell anyone. It makes me feel so weak and so shitty that this happened to me. I don't want people to know! I do not see what everyone else in this world sees. I have spent a life time creating this other person that I don't even know. The funny thing is I keep running away and what I'm really running from is myself. I don't know how to let people love me. I find it so easy to love someone but I cant stand someone loving me. I'm hoping if I just keep talking it will help. I feel like the song by Simon and Garfunkel, I am a Rock is my theme song. Thanks for reading my posts. It means a lot to me. I'm trying so hard to find my voice and reading all of the stories in here is helping!

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When others don't protect when they should we have to protect ourselves. Just by surviving that kind of trauma you have proven yourself many times over, you can rest and take comfort. You weren't given comfort or safety as a child but you can find a little bit of both now, all on your own terms.

I admire you for surviving and wish you well. Please be very kind to yourself. You have nothing to prove.

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