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Ljay

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Here goes

Ljay

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I'm so nervous about coming on here, seeing it all in black & white. Can't believe it's still buried so deep after all these years. From age 9 to 16 I was sexually abused & raped by my brother, can't believe I've just wrote that. I've had a problem with drink, tried suicide twice, but with all that behind me, I thought I was coming to terms with it all, seems not.



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Hi

Sorry for your experience.  u can also read and add your experience in the forums. 

i've have gone thru similar, from about 5 or 6 for a year or so. It may have stopped when i was 8 or 9. and the nightmare is there. i have to deal with it for the rest of my life unless there is specliased treatment. i went thru therapy in my 20s and thot the same. 

hope u are ok.... 

rgds

miko

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Thankyou for your reply. Got so many things going through my mind right now, can barely make sense of it myself. 

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Sorry that happen to you. Had something similar happen to myself. I am glad you were able to share this with someone its the first step. Hope you are doing alright. Reach out in the forums whenever you need some support.

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My brother was my abuser too, I haven't spoken to him in probably 6 years and I blocked him from every social media so I can never see him. It's so hard, everything seems like a trigger because it was someone who should have been there to protect you, not harm you. The word "brother" and his name always trigger me. I haven't been home in a few years, I don't speak with my family anymore because they just tell me to "get over it". I know that they'll be happy if we all could be a family again, but we never can and maybe we never will be. It's been hard, I had to re-learn everything, find that my family were actually my friends (the people who really cared and loved me) Now I'm 3,000 miles from my abusive home, and even if I was 10 miles from it the trauma is still there. I go to talk therapy and I'm trying to stop my dependance on weed atm and it's all been so hard. It seems like no matter how hard I try to work on it, it'll always be there.

Last night I was thinking about the strange "good" memories of me and my brother as adults. I tried to be a normal person in the family for a bit, but I found myself silenced like my voice didn't matter. I was at my cousin's wedding where I got terribly drunk and started dancing on the dance floor by myself, I grabbed my older brother and tried to get him to dance and then shoved him away. It was supposed to be silly but it makes me cringe now. Just me trying to act normal in front of my family gave me insomnia and PTSD panic attacks multiple times a week. I was going insane and turning to the bottle, I knew that I had to live for me and not my family any longer. I moved far away and started to get help and although I still have symptoms I've been so much better off since. I feel like I have a voice in the world and people really truly care about my well being. I was in such a toxic space in my abusive home. Now I have a home that I can call my own and it's all that I've ever wanted.

What's nice to know is that I am not alone. I look to this site to be reminded that my struggles are real and valid and scary. I'm trying to channel my energies into other things. I'm an artist so I can get lost in making work and it really defines me as who I am. Maybe the trauma won't always be there but the memories will be, if we keep working on it eventually we will be able to separate our child self from our adult self in a healthy way. It kills me that there are others like me out there, I'm sorry that this happened to you. He seems like a real POS

:friends2:

Edited by Calicomicbooks

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Thankyou so much for that, cant believe how alike it all is, saying brother or his name has the same affect on me. I will share my story sometime. But thanks again

Lisa

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@Ljay 

 I am sorry for responding so late to your post.  You are brave to speak of your abuse.  My stepbrothers abused me as a child. It takes a lot of strength to put your story into words.   I am glad you were able to share that part of your life here.  I am sorry for all that you experienced.  Keep swinging for the fences.  

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I was also abused by my brother at 8yo then blocked it out for years and never told a soul. Then to make matters worse when I was 18 yo we went out as a group & he got really drunk & we started arguing telling me he loves me etc. I told him to shut up & he starts burning his arm with cigarette. I walked out and didntspeak to him for a year or two. My parents thought i was the bad one but they never knew the reason.

The last straw was when I was 21 I was drinking at his place with a group of friends ( i was drinking all the time & bulimic by this stage) when I was too drunk to go home. He said to crash in his bed & he stay on couch. I was woken up by him grabbing my boobs while i was asleep.

To this day my family dont know why I rarely talk to him ( 1 or 2 times a year) and I'm 43 yo.

He has depression &drug abuse issues and I know why, because the guilt he must live with every day knowing he is a sick bastard.

You never forget but you move on because there is nothing else you can do 

 

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Thankyou both for replying. After struggling with alcohol for about 10-12 years, I ended up in hospital, not long after came the first suicide attempt. I blurted out about him to my mum & dad, mum was upset, dad was quiet, that was roughly 15months ago. Dad still mentions him like normal, they've not seen him since, not through choice, just he had a fall out with my dad & decided to stay away. He doesn't even know I've told them, my dad told me not to tell anyone else, it's private, he says. My husband knows, he's been a rock. Although he's been great, he really doesn't understand. My dad told me to move on now that I've told them! Wish it was as easy as that. I've started sharing my story on the forum, don't know how far I will get to be honest, struggling ATM. Thankyou for understanding.

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I am sorry you went through that... but you are not alone... If you ever wanna talk feel free to message me.. I was raped by a stepfather and my bio mother from ages 8 to 17 and physically abused by my first step father from ages 3 to 8 and then molested by the same man who came back to rape me from ages 2 to 3... sorry for the backwards order. I've been struggling with alcohol, and self destructive thought and actions... I am so sorry you have a reason to be on this site but like I said if you ever wanna talk please feel free to message me..

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