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When it happens...



Today I worked up the courage to tell my therapist about my harassment and after I told her my story she told me it was actually assault. I always knew it was assault but someone telling me that it was assault made it real again. It triggered me and I went to my boyfriends home and cried into his arms. I got better after he told that I was not a w**re or a sl*t and that what happened was not my fault. He really is the best at making my bad days better. I wish there was a medicine that could just make the memories, flashbacks, and trauma all just go away. I want to stop the flashback and mentally I have been getting better thanks to my boyfriend but there is still that piece that is left unsolved. My therapist is  not EMDR certified so we are going to try different types of therapy and coping skills for when I have bad day like today. I hope it doesnt get too draining on me and I wont be this upset every week after therapy. Why does he get to live his life freely..Why does my assaulter get to walk around without any memory of me and know how much he hurt me and how much damage he has done to me. Why did he do what he did after I said no and stop... in what world does yes mean no and stop means please continue touching me because that type of world I dont want to live with. I am still having a bad day and I had to leave my boyfriends house. I want to just fall apart sometimes but I know I cant let what happens ruin my life.... If anyone has ever listened or not listened to the Lady Gaga song "till it happens to you" or whatever the title is you should it is about her being sexually assulted and how no one really knows how it feels till it happens to them. Which I think is true no one really knows the flashbacks or the feeling of not being touched by a loved ones, If anyone has anything insperational or anything that may help me learn to cope right now I would appreciate it. Have a good night the people of after silence


Also I was thinking about getting a loutus flower tatooed to my ankle that way I will always know that I am in recovery and that what happens to me doesnt define me. What do you guys think about that?

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hi stitch,

if peace is what u get from the lotus then maybe a good idea. hope it doesnt become a trigger though.

give yourself.some time to see the beauty of this world and your boyfriend sounds wonderful. my life is already ruined right now, my childhood stolen, didnt.know that it ruined my stress response so i made bad choices in my career so now i have ro start over and i pray people will give me another chance.

meanwhile, my abusers one living is in NY i wish her well, one living happily, one i forgive.  i am angry but i wish them well and i forgive them. forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. i also forgive my mother as well.

all.said and done. i am frustrated and angry.... 

yep unless u've gone thru it, it's just hard to understand cause they violated our soul and our spirit.

xxxooo, miko

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