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Chapter 1... the script i refuse to live with



5 or 6 years old he called me to his flat, he lives next door and I was Alone no baby sitter. Don't know where were my older siblings. I got there it was dark and he said " come see this" he was masturbating and coming ... Had newspaper to catch his come. He said come closer and touch it. I said no yuck and I ran home. The next time I was in his parent's room he laid me on the bed and pulled my panties down. After that I just looked away and closed my eyes. I wasn't there anymore I didn't know what he did to me. Another time again at his place his Brother was home and they were discussing something. His Brother then took me to their bedroom and got on TOP of me as if to kiss me I looked away and then again I flew away I don't know how I got home. Another time this time at night his Father called me and asked me to sit next to him and he put his hands down my clothes touching me and he his moved lower and lower. His Son the first molester caught him and told me to go home. Another time it was in the living room he was on TOP of me grinding his member against mine and doing the motions no penetration. I closed my eyes and I don't remember how I got home. Some years later my Brother started taking drugs he had a knife to my face. One night while I was sleeping I felt a hand massaging my vagina. I froze. I saw it was my Brother. I closed my eyes and I didn't know what to do. Another time when he came in he was naked and masturbating standing at the doorway, I ran to my parents room and slept there. There was once I vomitted and I couldn't even remember getting up at night to vomit. I wasn't sick no fever or anything There was 3 of us sharing that bedroom. Maybe a year later I remember I was naked with my Sister she was naked too... She was on the phone talking to out mum. Hung up we went under the bed and started touching each other. I was maybe 6 or 7. At 14 my abusive Brother trying to get sober beat me till my nose bled it didn't stop until my other Brother stopped it all because I didn't want to switch off the telly immediately after he instructed me too. I have forgiven my bother because he apologised. But still at night is not easy for me.... This was just the sexual abuse. Neglect and the narcissistic manipulative Mom not told here yet.... I won't go into that. I'll save that for another time. In my 20s I did all t therapy and was ok. But recently due to the bullying and sexual harassment at work all came back. Nightmares, panick attacks, flashbacks, being sqittish and anxious all came back... My life as an adult was full of bad choices tricked into marrying at 17 and had a kid at 19 now I am jobless and feel like a loser... I actually wrote on the wall... Attempted to slash my wrists a few times but blade not sharp enuf. All those years I could have put my energy into my offsprings just the time flew. I worked very hard often 12 hour days at the beginning sometimes 24 hrs... Dad took care of the kids... I am grateful for my late dad. And I miss him .... Now I can't deal with life. I don't drink. I take my medication sometimes one or 2 tablets more...and I am tired because I still have to deal with life and I don't know where to ask for help... I am seeing a psychiatrist but Not for Long cause he is expensive. And I have no job. I pray. Sometimes spend the day praying to ask God to deal with my life because I can't anymore...

Edited  by Miko 


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