Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Disgust. Shock. Confusion. Numbness.
I have felt and still feel a lot of different emotions—some that I’m not ready to deal with yet. And that is okay. For now, the important thing is I recognize what he did was wrong, immoral, and criminal. I admit that I was raped. I do not deny it anymore. I accept that I will have to dedicate a lot of effort to overcome my future struggles and emotions that are associated with my abuse. I am prepared to go on that journey, but one step at a time. Right now, I need to achieve mental clarity to fully comprehend the situation.
Further, as a mental defense, I admit to ‘sugar-coating’ some details. I am not mad at myself for doing this. For the time being, I need to ‘sugar coat’ it in order to protect myself. It is too much for me to handle all at once, which I believe is completely acceptable. I should not be expected to comprehend all of this immediately, or even ever.
Is there an emotion most prominent?
I feel very numb and detached from my emotions most of the time. At first, I was in denial, and therefore I felt not much but confusion, sadness, and guilt. However, as I acknowledged the situation, I became very, very sad.
But now, it is weird. I feel almost desensitized and non-emotional. It is an odd experience because deep down I feel very affected, but on the surface I feel incredibly ‘robot.’ I have a constant sense that something is wrong, but I cannot identify it, which is a very conflicting feeling.
Upon reflection, however, I’ve decided that I rather feel desensitized than be an emotional train wreck.
Can anyone else relate??