Finally one face has a name....
Entry posted by lostgirl1120 ·
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Standing in the kitchen, I'm around 2 yrs old, holding my doll, she was the most precious thing to me. Just a stuffed rag doll. Her dress & hat was purple with tiny white flower buds all over it, her apron was white with tiny purple flower buds. She had the cutest blonde braids & the biggest blue eyes. There's 2 men in the room with me. But i can see their faces, it's just shadows.Then one grabs my hand and the other one leads the way, they lead me through the dark living room to a bright bedroom with 2 sets of dark wooden bunk beds. They sit me on the bottom bunk of the bed to my right. The sheets are blue & they have space ships on them. I start playing with my dolls braids. Then I look up, they are in my face. One says, you are the prettiest little girl ever lostgirl1120 (<--for protection), his hand is rubbing my leg. And I wake up. I'm shaking, I'm scared & I'm peeing.
That was the first memory of the beginning of the nightmares I didn't know why I was having. I cannot remember the exact age I was but i know my younger brother was already born so I'm guessing between 5-6. This particular nightmare got more & more intense throughout the years. The faces went from shadows, to cloudy, to bits of facial features to finally when i was around 13, everything was clear. I can remember the backsplash color/pattern on the wall, the color of the couch, rug, where every knick knack was placed, part of what those assholes did to me!...it was weird cause at the time I didn't know these were actual memories until I told my mom about parts of the dreams & she told me what had happened.The hospital visit, the sexual trauma....That was when it flicked like a light bulb! I was remembering, almost every god damn night I was remembering. It wasn't always about this event. I remember my sperm donors mother bathing me in the kitchen sink & she had a red plastic set of utensils hanging on the wall behind the sink. Well I kept taking them off and splashing in the water with them & she go mad and hung it back up, i did it again and again and then the 4th time she grabbed that hard red plastic spoon & started beating me with it. I remember playing with the said above doll in the driveway pushing my little red & yellow plastic shopping cart, I cant remember why but that lady came out yelling and dragged me into the house, events like that I remember! There's many more but that's not what this post is about! & FYI I still to this day have never told my mom i remember parts the sexual torture that i endured in that room in that house....I don't think she could handle it.
Moving on.......
Now it was never proven who actually touched me when the event happened, as there was 7 people living in that house & ya gotta keep in mind this was also around 83-84, things were different than today. Only I knew, a child who wouldn't speak, who couldn't speak (that well). So nothing was done. All anyone knew was it was someone in that house. When i revealed to my mom there was 2 she was floored! I had all their names, but I'd never seen these people before in real life, except one, my aunt. My mom would say hi to her out in public and she would go on about me. My mom said she was the best one of the bunch.
Fast forwarding to when I was 15 and ran away and lived with the father/son duo (as introduced in my introduction) I had confided in them about me having a dad I've never met and told them his name n what i knew. Little did I know withing about a week or so they had surprised me and said they found my dad. Now at the time I didn't know ALL the details of this man as my mother is still 20 years later only telling me piece by piece. So I was excited and they said they arranged for us to meet at a local coffee shop. That was 1 of the 4 times i was allowed out of their apartment! I was excited...not gonna lie...finally, reunited with my dad!!!!! We get there & there's 4 people there. I'm immediately introduced to a familiar face. My EVIL grandmother, then the next 2 people I can't remember who they are then im turned around & there it is.....One of the 2 faces that haunted me for what seemed my whole life. Everything stopped. I immediately said I have to pee, i ran to the bathroom i stared in the mirror for what seemed like forever but i know i was only in there for 2 maybe 3 minutes. I go back out an conveniently the only seat for me is across from this monster. I turned sideways in my chair so i didn't have to look at his nasty unkept sick perverted child raping face! The vomit is sitting in my throat. I find out my "dad" isn't even coming. I ask if we can leave cause i got a headache. We did just that!
That is how I put a name to that face. The other face I still have not met. I've seen photos of every other male who lived in that house except 1. But there are recent events in motion for me to finally after all these years see that 1 face. I won't get into details yet but I will keep you informed when all is set in stone!
As for monster #1, which i forgot to mention is my biological UNCLE... I wanted to confront him so bad as I got older, I still want to. But karma decided to work her magical ways for me. He is basically a vegetable now, lives in a home where you go to die. Don't know what exactly is wrong with him, don't care all I care about is when the time comes to take that plug out of the wall I hope they call me ;) But i also see this as he got the easy way out of this. I've suffered my whole life because of this joker, & yes he gets to suffer the rest of his life but god dammit that isn't enough for me! He raped a CHILD a god damn baby for F*ck sakes. Where's my justce? He'll never know the pain and the hell my life was because of him. I want him to know! I want him to feel my pain! I want him to see it! And I wanna shove it right down his throat! He stole my innocence, he stole my trust, he stole my faith, he killed a part of me the moment he laid his hands on me. I wanna know why?! What did I do? Why did I deserve this? I was a baby....I didn't deserve that.....His death cannot come soon enough for me!
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