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This battle

teleah

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Tomight I was hit by a horrible flashback, TW...... my dad whipping his belt on the bed, whack is all i hear now, this sound sent me into a crying jag and i texted hubby and he told me what i felt was normal, and that once i quit fighting the truth, it would get better, i texted back that would he be able to accept my truth that....TW My dad never loved me but lusted after me, that he intended to  hurt me, that he gave me to his dad and his friends and he texted back. yes he could and i should accept it, not sure how i could do that, how do   i accept  he was a monster not a dad. he said i have to keep fighting, i am tired of this battle, tired of fighting ghosts, tired of this battle of the present and the past, tired of memories hitting me out of nowhere, so tired of this battle with my brain and my heart, want be done with this battle.



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:bighug: 

Sitting with you, so sad for little teleah. We all want to think that our abusive parents were more than that. Our little selves want heroes to look up to. They want to be helpful. They had to dissociate to feel like they had parents who were like other kids' parents. So it's very hard to be unified in understanding that some of them are more monster than parent. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is emotional torture. 

For me, the hardest part is making peace between the parts of me who want to be the good helpful child for my father—the ones who are loyal—and the ones who know the truth and can no longer even partially defend him. I have a protector part who has hated him and looked down on him since I was 9, and my loyal parts made me feel so terrible for thinking so little of my father "after all he had done for me." Is this sounding familiar at all? :/

Anyway, you are not fighting alone, OK? The most important thing, I think, is to accept all the parts of yourself who have fragmented as a result of this. To try to make some peace between the loyal ones and the rebellious ones; to realize that they all had their reasons and that all of their feelings are valid and very natural responses to trying to make sense of this mindfuckery at a young age. You are allowed to feel those things at the same time--you don't have to pick one. It feels like losing your mind, but it may also help you understand that you weren't WRONG to try to make him into a dad like everyone else's. You were so small--and he was all you knew. He groomed, brainwashed, and gaslighted you from day one, so that you could be HIS. You are not his any more. You will never be his any more. You have protected yourself against him as much as you can right now, and you can keep yourself safe from him. 

I know you are tired. I know how that feels, and I am there too. It feels like getting to the end of a hard-fought marathon and realizing that you actually signed up for a 100-mile ultra-marathon, and you have another 73.8 miles to go...and I feel like my legs can't carry me another step. 

Well, this isn't a race, even though sometimes it feels like it is. No. We are trying to get to a place where healing is possible. Unfortunately, I think it means getting to a full place of knowing, so we can make peace with our own reactions, at least to some extent. Your memories are attempting to get you out of the dual reality that you grew up in and putting into one brutal reality. You are seeing him for what he really is, and you are seeing what you were up against for what it really was. It is so incredible that you survived and you made it this far. You had no defenses and you had no one to turn to. But you made it. 

The only kind of person who can get through what you got through is an incredibly strong person. 

Sitting with you against the monsters who we wished were heroes, who we were TOLD were heroes--

DBNB

:hug:

 

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Thank you ((((((DBNB)))))) for your amazing thoughtful response. I am in a very dark place today, I am so tired of fighting to just be ok, fighting to take a shower, brush my hair,fighting to be a good mom, wife and friend, just tired of fighting this battle tonight

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Spend the night fighting the ghost of him. her voice, then today i just wanted to write and i was stuck at age six. fighting memories, keeping flashbacks at bay so i could clean my house. so tired of fighting this battle

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This battle rages on,i am weary of fighting these ghosts, these memories,i want to live in the present now but even if that is my decision, the voice inside me says you will never win, he already won, you can not win, so by the end of the day i feel defeated by this battle

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So weary of this battle. today I tried to stay in the present with my lovely daughter and a shirt, a pair of pants caused my heart to leap in terror make my forehead sweat, sitting next to a man in my van, a perfectly safe man, caused me to flee for safety, the smell of gas made me think of you, your origins, where you met my mom and i had to swallow the bile that came up from my stomach, and now after a day fighting this endless painful battle, I sit here torn between fighting this battle or quitting this battle for good

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Teleah, I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I am very worried about you. I feel as if you need more significant support than you have here. Perhaps you could call the suicide prevention line or check in to the mental health facility in your area. I am extremely worried!!! You have been so down lately, perhaps you need a real professional to help you out of this hole you have slid in. I know your Therapist situation has not been stable of late which makes this all the more difficult. I hear you Taleah. I understand how difficult and long this journey is. It is so tiring. You can do it though. I have faith in you. You are not alone. I have been in your shoes facing those same questions. Keep the faith Taleah. You are so very strong even if you do not see it in yourself. I see it in you. You have been here before. Keep pushing on through these dark thoughts. Your family needs you. You were so screwed by your parents. They were unconscionably cruel to you.  Little Taleah was so strong, she made it all this way. Don't give up on her now. She needs you. Your daughter needs her mother too. You need to stay here and take care of both of them. You have such a beautiful soul. I have seen how you support others. Try to do the same for yourself. I am here to support you. I am certain there are many others here sitting with you. I am sending you strong supportive hugs right now. If you want, I will hold you and sing you a lullaby. Sweet dreams my friend. Tomorrow is another day. Baby steps Taleah, baby steps. :hug::hug::hug:

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