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A Girl With Baggage


BeingAlone

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Today, I was just talking to my friend. I was talking about how people view me at my work (regarding being open about my situation, I have really no choice, the military kinda puts EVERYTHING on the spotlight). And he said something to me that just absolutely crushed me. I asked him if he thought I was pathetic, and he said, "Yes you are! No, don't get mad, you're just young."

...

I'm just young? Wait...so does that mean that a few years down the road I'll just wake up one day and say, "I was just overreacting! I'm older now and understand!"

And then that little monster inside my head started talking to me, I hate her but she kept saying things like, What if one day I will just get over it? What if one day down in the future I will just wake up and say I did overreact to being raped over and over. I was just being 'dramatic' about being gangraped.

Now she won't get out of my head and I'm just sitting here, completely numb and totally dystroyed. Why am I writing about it on here? I have no idea. Maybe get some sort of response to it. Maybe get some support on how to shut that little monster up.

I'm starting to believe her.. 9 months of torture from one man... and I'm just overreacting.

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Today is just a bad day. You will have those but as time passes you will have less of them with more good days in between. You are not overreacting this is a very painful process and it takes a long time to heal. I have days where I am in complete denial that anything ever happened to me. I will wake up on some mornings with my first thought being it didn't happen, it's not real, I just made it all up. All along knowing it absolutely did happen. I also have the days I think I am overreacting and I need to just finally shake it off and move on. What you are feeling is normal and what your friend said well, it was totally wrong and insensitive. It is very hard for people to understand what we are going through, that we will never just get over it, that some days, even years down the road, will be harder then others and that there will always be triggers. We do however, grow stronger and find healthy ways to handle bad days and triggers. The reason you write on here is because the people on here understand and we can support you. I hope the woman in your head quiets down and you can find some peace. You are not pathetic or just young. You are human and you have been hurt and you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling!

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Please go to youtube and watch a couple of talks by Brene Brown regarding your "shame story". She talks about how some people are unworthy of hearing about your struggle because they fail to support you. I was in the Army for 5 years, so I understand the lack of privacy in the military. I know that everyone knows everyone's business. I'm begging you, though, do not solicit this person's opinion again. It clearly upsets you and they are being unfair at best. You have been through a terrible trauma and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. You will get through this, but you will never "get over it". One does not simply "brush off" rape. As a side note, I wouldn't be surprised if this friend learned to cope with his own abuse by denying the severity of it. I bet it got easier for him to do with age, so he expects that with time you will minimize your trauma as well. Sometimes people give bad advice from a broken perspective.

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