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Kathyps33

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Ashamed


Kathyps33

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I feel so ashamed. I don't remember feeling aroused during the abuse by my adoptive father but around 12 yrs old when he went from touching to sexual intercourse I started masturbating. Of course I grew up in church and learned that masturbation is a sin. From 12 yrs old until about 33 yrs old I just did clitoral stimulation. I then ordered some books about sex on line and started reading about different ways to masturbate. There was so much to learn. I wanted to know more about my body, I wanted to be normal to have sex like others and enjoy it. I haven't yet. I'm 45 yrs old now and have never had one sexual encounter I actually enjoyed. This year I learned more about how my body works sexually, but I feel more ashamed because I masturbate more now. I hated sex with my father, I'm so confused. Why do I like to do this? 

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There is no reason for you to be ashamed. I feel pretty much the same way. All the sexual interaction I had were also really horrible. The only sexual act I feel safe with is masturbation so I do it a lot and sometimes it feels like its almost compulsive. I also struggle to reconcile my masturbation with my faith. I hope one day I will be able to enjoy my sexuality and I hope you do too. Dont give up and dont beat yourself up too much. You are not alone.

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 @Kathyps33

 I too grew up in the church and one of the things I hated about that experience was some of the backwards things they would say about sex.  Before I get into that, I want to encourage you to check out a book I found immensely helpful, The Survivor's Guiide to Sex by Staci Hines.  One of the things about abuse is it doesn't allow you to develop healthy ideas about sex.  I also had to learn every idea espoused in church about sex wasn't right. My ideas about sex and gender were fairly far flung as a result.  When sex is anything but what it was designed to be, it hurts.  I was raised to believe sex was for a man and a woman in the bonds of marriage but also a gift two people share.  However, when sexual abuse enters the picture, it is difficult to know what to make of it.  It is difficult to know what to think of it and it is even difficult to want to enjoy it later down the line.  I want to encourage you to not be ashamed.   know the church teaches different things but then some of the things they teach on relationships is just plain crazy too.   Please keep in mind I am not anti-church.  I am anti-religion. I am anti-power hungry, patriachical rethoric that would justify unjustifiable behavior.  I had been taught some fairly backwards things coming up.  I had a minister tell me I was permanently linked to my abusers and I could never marry.  That minister was quite wrong and didn't have a clue.  What you do is between you and God.  The church should stay out of your bedroom.   You are not alone on the confusion aspect of things.  I have found myself a bit confused about many things along this healing journey.  You deserve to be happy and you need to know how precious you are.  I think one of the things abuse robs of us all of is the knowledge that we are precious.  We are priceless and the abuse gives us the wrong perspective on our worth.  You are and will always be precious.  Learning to love yourself makes a huge difference. Learning safe touch versus that other thing is important too.  Some are able to learn safe touch through masturbation.    Sending you safe hugs, if that is ok.  

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Dieter,and Hawkgirl,  thank you both for responding. It helps so much to know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings. 

 

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Dieter, wow your openness and honesty are refreshing. I appreciate hearing from someone else that you have the same thoughts and experiences. It helps me to not feel so abnormal. I am sorry that you,  have had to go through these horrible things in life also. :hug:

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Hawkgirl, thank you so much for sharing. I am so encouraged by your words. Thank you for the book. I will look it up. 

8 hours ago, Hawkgirl said:

I had a minister tell me I was permanently linked to my abusers and I could never marry.

I am appalled that a minister would say something like that to you. I hate that for you. I am so sorry. It never ceases to amaze me what 'religious' people come up with, I have found in reading the bible myself that Jesus, every time said the opposite to the religious people of what they were teaching. So I try to remind myself of this when some church person says something to me. If it doesn't line up with what the bible says then I don't accept it. I am still in the process of re-learning the bible. My adoptive mother, (a sunday school teacher, a GA leader and in the choir) would quote the verse in Ephesians 6:1 "Children obey your parents". As she would send me to my fathers room for him to have sex with me. I did not learn until I was in my 20s and reading the bible myself that scripture also says, "in the Lord". She misquoted so much of the bible. I have spent the past 20 years reading and studying the bible myself and feel like I still have so much to re-learn. 

 

8 hours ago, Hawkgirl said:

Learning safe touch versus that other thing is important too.  Some are able to learn safe touch through masturbation.  

Wow, I hadn't thought about it like this before. That's what I've been trying to learn for myself. I have wondered why my body has even had these sexual feelings, then when I started masturbation I learned what I like and don't like. So thanks for this. 

 

8 hours ago, Hawkgirl said:

One of the things about abuse is it doesn't allow you to develop healthy ideas about sex.

I finally feel like it is part of just being human and for us the good was taken out of it by those that abused us. 

thank you both dieter and hawkgirl for responding it helps so much to not go through this alone. :)

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I too grew up very confused, between the church and what was happening. There are so many emotions involved, what was right and what was wrong. I also had difficulty with sex and having a normal enjoyable sex life.  It was more the type of person would get involved with that made it that way. I'm 56 and still struggle with the demons in my head telling me that it's not Ok to enjoy yourself. 

I really hope you are able to let yourself go and have those good feeling, we all deserve....

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